Guess what I'M not doing? My homework! What else is new? The thing is, I promised myself AND everyone else that this year, I truly was going to try, and I was going to make honour roll (for once), and I was going to raise my joke of a GPA, and blah blah blah. But I HAVE tried. I have stayed up till midnight pretty much the day school started doing homework, and I still manage to fall completely behind. And I know I'm doing SOMETHING wrong, because others don't seem to have a problem (or if they do have a problem, it isn't much worse than last year or the year before that and that for them).
Tonight, I planned to stay up until as late as it took to do my homework. I even made myself a schedule. I'd start at 7:00 after a nap, do Spanish which would take thirty minutes (wrong - I skipped the nap, started the Spanish at around 6:00 and didn't finish until 8:00, so even though I started earlier, I already fell behind schedule...and I didn't even FINISH! I just gave up because it was so ridiculous), some algebra for 30 more minutes (but however long I stare at the worksheet and try to understand it, I just can't for the life of me...and I tried to get help from my book, my mom, my neighbor, my computer, to no success), my history notes for an hour (but I'm just so exhausted that I couldn't focus after 10 minutes), and my epistemology essay for English for two more hours (except the topic is something totally optimistic, and it talks about self-improvement shit which I don't even really care about anymore, when right now I hate myself and my life and everything. So I'm just going to take Jehn's advice and BS it, since it's only the first draft, and it's already fucking long as hell anyway).
But I've given up. I'm just too tired. My eyes have been aching mercilessly for days because of exhaustion and allergies, and I can't stay awake for much longer, and the only thing I have any motivation to do is complain about how sucky everything is. That's all I ever do. No matter how good my life is.
Whatever, though. Just because a life is good on the surface doesn't mean the mind is. Sure, I was okay for a while, a few months, but now school has started, and I've once again realised that my ENTIRE LIFE depends on school, and it's all gone to waste, which makes me a failure at life, and all my determination to prove myself wrong when I tell myself I'm a lazy assfuck has gone to waste, because I AM a lazy assfuck. I'm a fat, useless, lazy assfuck and guess what? I don't give a shit. I don't care how lame a human that makes me. I don't CARE. It's MY life and if I want to waste it away hiding from responsibility, that's my personal business. Plus, I'm doing what I want LEAST and sticking my nose back into politics. I don't know why. But that's another reason why life is once again in the gutter. I don't WANT to be a liberal. I don't WANT to support Obama OR McCain. I don't WANT to give a shit about the economy or where America is going or anything. I don't want to be involved with ANY of it. Politics in general are evil, and they make me depressed as hell and I want nothing to do with them. Except I a natural cynic, and politics is a fucking haven for cynics, and so of course I'm getting all up in it, especially with election day coming so soon.
Just screw everything. Screw school. Screw work. Screw my poor health. Screw all the people who take advantange of my extreme pushoverness and walk all over me. Screw not getting enough sleep. Screw the people who doubt me (even though they have every right to, given my reputation of failage). Screw boyfriends who don't seem to want to have any sort of serious conversation with me. SCREW IT.
I AM A LAZY, WHINY, PESSIMISTIC, FAILING, CYNICAL, ALLERGIC, ANXIOUS, DEPRESSED, UGLY, BITCHY LOSER.
Don't bother telling me so, because I already know.
Let me be.
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2 comments:
"It's MY life and if I want to waste it away hiding from responsibility, that's my personal business."
Think about this the next time you hear discussion about a tax-payer funded social program. If your statement were true, and we all decided to agree with you, who would be left to fund these programs?
You've got two choices - you can either turn off that entire line of thinking the minute you have it, or you can indulge in it. But if you indulge in it, then you really need to wonder what would happen if we all indulged in it. Not good, right?
Ultimately, civilization works because that statement is not true. The next time you hear a tired old conservative like me talk about "personal responsibility" this is what we're talking about.
Eventually, someone has to do things they otherwise don't want to do. Eventually you have to realize that for the good of everyone you can't adopt the "it's my life and if I want to waste it I can" attitude (a.k.a. libertarianism). The people who realize this become registerred republicans. That's why we get so agitated when politicians want to transfer our money, which we earned by overcoming these thought patterns you're having, to people whose lives are theirs, which gives them the right to waste them.
Of course, once their stomachs start grumbling, or it starts raining, they find themselves in a tough predicament, right? They are wasting their lives by choice, come hell or high water, but there's this nagging thing called biological necessity that even the most argent life-wasters can't ignore. It's either stop wasting your life and get food, or sit around and bitch about it until someone else gets food for you so you can continue to waste your life.
I think it's pretty clear which course of action you want to take, right?
Hehehe, no offense Evan, but that was kind of a waste of breathe. I was just having a typical teenage, pessimistic moment and I'm already over it.
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