Vulnerable to Imperfection

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
-Philo

People just love to dwell on imperfection. They hate focusing on themselves, but they magnify the flaws and faults of everybody else and scream them to the world, drawing attention away from their own insecurities. Sure, it's okay to vent about somebody to your friends every once in a while about a certain asshole you know...but don't let your annoyance and anger turn into hatred or ignorance. Because I can guarantee to you that there's more to this person than you think.

What time seems to do a lot is change. It changes the world and the people in it. But ignorance can't be changed by time, even if the person you are disgusted with has transformed, or is in the midst of a personal transformation. That's how people dwell. You have to admit that you love to complain. Everyone does. I do. No one doesn't complain. People even complain about complaining! But can't you just try to keep up with the times? It's no use complaining about your favorite sports team's humiliating loss a few years ago, when now they're champions. And why complain about your trashy cousin who dropped out of high school and got knocked up, when now she earned her G.E.D., is raising her child in as stable a home as she can provide, and is putting her life back together?

Why complain about what a hypocritical, hating bitch I am, when I'm simply not like that anymore? Because I know I was. I know all the things I used to say that contradicted other things I said. But I've changed...and I know I have, because I see the world differently. It's sharper and I'm simply a happier person. It's nearly impossible to be a hypocrite and be happy...because hypocrisy is something one commits when they're just trying to cover up their own faults. I knew I was an intolerant scumbag, so I thought preaching about tolerance and acceptance would make up for it. People refuse to let go of that old "once a cheater, always a cheater" way of thinking. That's NOT the way things are. People CHANGE. I've CHANGED.

But it bothers me that people seem to maintain this old view of me, when they have witnessed my transformation. At least, I think they have. The thing is, I'm not really mean anymore, but when I say something nice, people jump all over it and make a reference to a mean thing I said ages ago and still accuse me of hypocrisy. Also, I think people listen more to what others have to say about me than what I have to say about myself. I hear people complain about me with my own two ears. And I see people listening. And then, I see those people repeat to others what they heard. What they're basically doing is ingraining this old image of me in their brains, and live by it. Anything good I say and do is immediately cancelled out by something bad I've said in the past. Nothing good I say and do is taken into account, but if I say one even slightly bad thing, fingers are thrown in my face and I am cornered against a wall. This is EXACTLY what I mean by devaluing people's humanity. The reason I'm even writing this blog is because I feel my own humanity being devalued. Because I need SOME credit. My life isn't a walk in the park, people, and I know ya'll's aren't either. But at least I forgive you for it.

Some people do forgive me, and I thank them. I'm glad that they bother to stick around to not only witness, but experience the changes I'm putting myself through. And I mean, it's not like it's that hard to change. It's not hard to be nice. The thing that's hard is to be optimistic when you can tell that few people actually believe in you. It's hard to demolish every ounce of hate in my veins when I'm hated for things that are irrelevant to who I am today. You can hate me yesterday, but I don't give you permission to hate me today until you actually try to understand who I am and where I'm coming from.

For instance, I was talking to somebody who I feel despises me, whom my friends and I always overhear trashing me for things I've said and done before I even became a bit self-realised. I told her about my transformation, and she didn't seem to believe me. So I told her to at least read my blog and maybe she'll soften up, but she refused to. That is exactly the problem here, folks. THAT is the problem. Because while people accuse me of being such a hypocrite, they refuse to acknowledge that I am doing something about it. That I am a different Kaytee. And that makes them the hypocrites, doesn't it? They hate me for talking about how I just want there to be tolerance and yet I don't tolerate...but the same thing is reflected in themselves.

My point is that I would appreciate it if you stopped talking about me and to me about hypocrisy, because I know those who do don't understand me at all. My friends don't accuse me of it, because they know me, and they know how hard I try to be as good a person I can be. They know that I make mistakes, but they forgive me. They don't undermine my humanity, my vulnerability to imperfection, and my longing to be the best person I can be.

I don't know what you people think that I think I am, but I'm not trying to be a goddess. An angel. A hero. A Gandhi, even. I'm just trying to be a better version of myself. Understand my faults, and appreciate my accomplishments. If not, don't say a word about it, because you're only being the person you're accusing me of being.

And there you have it,

Kaytee.