“What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
If I lived in Biblical times, I’d have been a great Roman thinker. If I lived in the Dark Ages, I’d have been hung for heresy. If I lived in the Elizabethan Era, I’d have been the Queen’s confidante. If I lived among the slaves in the Confederacy, I’d have risked my life to free them. If I lived in the 1960’s, I’d have been a hippie. But I don’t live in any of those times: I am an American child of the 21st century.
Not that it concerns me. You know, where and when my existence takes place. The fact of the matter is that I only have this one life, and I’m not quite ready to give it up. I do care about what goes on outside my comfort zone – I hate haters and have a problem with people who have a problem with the outcasts, or the minority, or just anyone who is different (whatever THAT means). But right now, I’m 16 and I really just want to enjoy what’s left of my childhood. The world revolves around my friends, around San Antonio, around me. But that’s my world. Every person has their own world…and we share our worlds to create the Big Picture. People just have the tendency to hurl their worlds around and crash into others’. But my world isn’t going to destroy anybody’s, I hope. Mine is going to share waters! To be walked upon by trusted people. If you want to become a part of mine, here’s a tour!
I like to be funny and goofy and silly, but I’m also pretty serious and (obviously) cheesy. Not that any of these parts of me are fake; my personality is pretty big, and some aspects of it just can’t exist at the same time as others. But that’s not to say they don’t both exist. I am Cakes - fun, playful, flirty, horny, happy, extremely perverted, shameless, and giggly. I am Sana – sarcastic, annoyed, argumentative, opinionated, passionate, troublesome, pissy, and also extremely perverted. I am Hāsya – thoughtful, pessimistic, worried, tranquil, dreamy, shy…and still pretty damn perverted. But I’m always Kaytee, always perverted, and always lazy as hell. I’m not very ambitious: I don’t care much for school stuff (though I GUESS I’ll go to college, just in case I’ll need it one day). I just want to write and think and live a quiet, simple life…in a very happening, diverse neighborhood. I don’t want much, except friends, real love, and happiness. Money just isn’t anywhere on my list of priorities. It can’t buy happiness anyway!
Also, I would like to add, and it would be wise of you to consider this for the sake of your sanity, that I don't care what anybody thinks of me except for my friends for this reason: nobody really knows me like my friends do, and so how could I let strangers' false impression of who I am at my core bother me? No matter what, you are going to be judged negatively by somebody for whatever reason, but it shouldn't bother you if you know that their reasons for judging you don't represent who you really are (I'll admit to being occasionally annoyed). Your true friends, however, give the most valuable criticism, because they know you and care about you. And when they do criticise you, remember something: they're your friend for a reason, and that's that they love you and think your positive attributes greatly outweight your negatives. As for appearance, it's fun to shop for cool clothes and put on make-up (it's part of being a girl!), but don't let it control your life. Beauty is subjective, and for every ugly thought you have about yourself, there is somebody who thinks you are beautiful. (Also, the best boys are the nerdy ones who don't realise how attractive they are and thus do not strive for model-gorgeous girlfriends. =D)
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
We All Fall Down...Like Toy Soldiers
One of my addictions is Yahoo! Answers. Many of my friends think it's pathetic, but I like it because...well, I dunno, it's just fun to answer questions. The sections I take most part in are "Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transsexual," "Religion and Spirituality," and "Psychology." I love being a counselor. Tonight, one young girl asked the Answers community how she could overcome depression. So I thought about my battle with depression. And I told her. It was a novel-length answer and some didn't even fit, but I think she'll get the gist. So here's what I said, in case anybody else has the same question she does and miraculously stumbles upon my blog:
Holy crap, I just typed a long response and I accidentally deleted all of it. I'm pretty mad, but I'm going to try again. lol. Maybe it'll come out better.
For most of my life until recently, at 16, I'd been depressed. I actually can't remember being depressed before 6th grade, but my mom recalls 9-year-old me saying something along the lines of, "If I got in a car accident and died, I wouldn't care!" Throughout middle school and the first half of high school, I was plagued with thoughts like, "Why the hell am I even here?" "Do I even have a purpose?" "Why does bad stuff always have to happen?" "Why is everybody so cruel, especially to me?"
Explaining how I so drastically changed from being miserable to absolutely loving life is difficult, and actually doing so is probably, for somebody trying to achieve happiness, even harder. It just sorta happened for me; I'm not sure how common it is to get over depression the way I did, but it probably takes a lot longer, considering I'm only 16 and many people suffer for much longer. Although my mindset at the time was awful and pessimistic and self-hating, it was driven to be happy. I WILLED myself to be as happy as I am today, I was determined. In 8th grade, it was the worst: I'd been dumped twice by two beloved boyfriends...the second one was very cruel about it. I felt ugly. I felt like a beyotch. I didn't like the person I was. My political views were radical and I hated the world. I was misanthropic. I was a drama queen, so the typical problems that kids that age faced were magnified.
But I didn't want to be that way. I began telling myself what then felt like lies...I began "brainwashing" myself to believe that my chubbiness was actually quite cute, that I was a good person and that as long as my motives for the world were good, that I was a good person. I didn't believe myself at first, of course. It was all bullcrap, in my angsty head.
I was on anti-depressants for a while, but I stopped taking them sometime in 10th grade because they weren't really working - I was still depressed, and the side effects were awful...when I was on Zoloft, I would feel nauseous for hours after taking it. My logic for deciding not to take them was, "Meds aren't going to help my condition. I'm depressed because I let bad things happen to me, and when they do happen to me, I sulk. I let bad things people say about me get to me. It's my fault this way and drugs aren't going to change my perception, mindset, and attitude." Of course, I thought this with a bad attitude, pessimistically, like I was incurable, but after actually changing myself so drastically I can say that it was terrific rationale.
I was really into spirituality and began experimenting with Buddhism when I was 15, which probably helped (though ironically, I no longer give a crap about any of that spiritual and religious stuff). I also stopped hanging out with the morbid, depressing, suicidal gothy types and instead became friends with the clowns, the carefree nerds who were misunderstood but happy, weird yet well known and liked.
The key is to be nice to yourself. Use the "brainwashing" method that I did. Tell yourself that you're pretty, that your eyes are shiny and your smile is dazzling and your body is beautiful and you'll eventually begin to believe yourself. Be glad to be you. Hang out with nice people. Don't take life too seriously. Learn to take a joke. Live in the present. Listen to uplifting music (80's music is pretty good, lololol). If you are somewhat religious, become more in touch with your spirituality. Don't hold grudges. Accept people as they are, which will help you accept yourself. Hating is something that unhappy people do. Accept that bad things happen: you will get dumped, but it was never meant to be in the first place and there is someone better for you; somebody died, but your memory of them is happy and you're glad they were in your life. Be optimistic. Be hopeful. Don't be too hard on yourself when you get a bad grade. Live not by "nobody is perfect," but that "everybody is perfect." Don't dwell on your mistakes, but learn from them. Cry when you want to cry. Write about your feelings. Stand up for somebody. Stand up for yourself. You probably don't know what you want in life, but as time goes by you'll get an idea and things will just progress from there. If somebody disses you for your beliefs, don't let it get to you: you know that you have good motives. Don't hate humanity - the media loves to glorify the bad things, but when you get to know people one-on-one, no matter their beliefs, most of them are decent human beings with their own feelings and perspectives.
Also, don't accept the criticism from people who don't even know you. If you feel it's true, the bad things that they're saying, then accept that part of you, or make it work for you if you can. Friends are the only people who can say anything about you...but first you'll need to identify your true friends. Who do you act yourself around? Who knows you best? If they criticize you for something, don't feel awful about it: they're still your friend, right? They still love you, so you should still love yourself.
I know from experience that suicide is a permanent solution to temporary and totally fixable problems. If I had killed myself, I wouldn't have been able to feel as happy as I do today. Live with the belief that happiness is meant for you. Things will work out.
Coincidentally, "Human" by Human League is on the radio right now...listen to it, it's awesome.
P.S. I had indeed typed all of that and more previously, and hit the wrong key and got all of it deleted, which upset me to no end. Ha, I nearly cried - I hate when that happens SO MUCH! But I was determined to help this girl, so I did it again, though I think the first attempt was better. She probably won't even read all of it, but whatever, cuz it sure as hell did wonders for me.
Holy crap, I just typed a long response and I accidentally deleted all of it. I'm pretty mad, but I'm going to try again. lol. Maybe it'll come out better.
For most of my life until recently, at 16, I'd been depressed. I actually can't remember being depressed before 6th grade, but my mom recalls 9-year-old me saying something along the lines of, "If I got in a car accident and died, I wouldn't care!" Throughout middle school and the first half of high school, I was plagued with thoughts like, "Why the hell am I even here?" "Do I even have a purpose?" "Why does bad stuff always have to happen?" "Why is everybody so cruel, especially to me?"
Explaining how I so drastically changed from being miserable to absolutely loving life is difficult, and actually doing so is probably, for somebody trying to achieve happiness, even harder. It just sorta happened for me; I'm not sure how common it is to get over depression the way I did, but it probably takes a lot longer, considering I'm only 16 and many people suffer for much longer. Although my mindset at the time was awful and pessimistic and self-hating, it was driven to be happy. I WILLED myself to be as happy as I am today, I was determined. In 8th grade, it was the worst: I'd been dumped twice by two beloved boyfriends...the second one was very cruel about it. I felt ugly. I felt like a beyotch. I didn't like the person I was. My political views were radical and I hated the world. I was misanthropic. I was a drama queen, so the typical problems that kids that age faced were magnified.
But I didn't want to be that way. I began telling myself what then felt like lies...I began "brainwashing" myself to believe that my chubbiness was actually quite cute, that I was a good person and that as long as my motives for the world were good, that I was a good person. I didn't believe myself at first, of course. It was all bullcrap, in my angsty head.
I was on anti-depressants for a while, but I stopped taking them sometime in 10th grade because they weren't really working - I was still depressed, and the side effects were awful...when I was on Zoloft, I would feel nauseous for hours after taking it. My logic for deciding not to take them was, "Meds aren't going to help my condition. I'm depressed because I let bad things happen to me, and when they do happen to me, I sulk. I let bad things people say about me get to me. It's my fault this way and drugs aren't going to change my perception, mindset, and attitude." Of course, I thought this with a bad attitude, pessimistically, like I was incurable, but after actually changing myself so drastically I can say that it was terrific rationale.
I was really into spirituality and began experimenting with Buddhism when I was 15, which probably helped (though ironically, I no longer give a crap about any of that spiritual and religious stuff). I also stopped hanging out with the morbid, depressing, suicidal gothy types and instead became friends with the clowns, the carefree nerds who were misunderstood but happy, weird yet well known and liked.
The key is to be nice to yourself. Use the "brainwashing" method that I did. Tell yourself that you're pretty, that your eyes are shiny and your smile is dazzling and your body is beautiful and you'll eventually begin to believe yourself. Be glad to be you. Hang out with nice people. Don't take life too seriously. Learn to take a joke. Live in the present. Listen to uplifting music (80's music is pretty good, lololol). If you are somewhat religious, become more in touch with your spirituality. Don't hold grudges. Accept people as they are, which will help you accept yourself. Hating is something that unhappy people do. Accept that bad things happen: you will get dumped, but it was never meant to be in the first place and there is someone better for you; somebody died, but your memory of them is happy and you're glad they were in your life. Be optimistic. Be hopeful. Don't be too hard on yourself when you get a bad grade. Live not by "nobody is perfect," but that "everybody is perfect." Don't dwell on your mistakes, but learn from them. Cry when you want to cry. Write about your feelings. Stand up for somebody. Stand up for yourself. You probably don't know what you want in life, but as time goes by you'll get an idea and things will just progress from there. If somebody disses you for your beliefs, don't let it get to you: you know that you have good motives. Don't hate humanity - the media loves to glorify the bad things, but when you get to know people one-on-one, no matter their beliefs, most of them are decent human beings with their own feelings and perspectives.
Also, don't accept the criticism from people who don't even know you. If you feel it's true, the bad things that they're saying, then accept that part of you, or make it work for you if you can. Friends are the only people who can say anything about you...but first you'll need to identify your true friends. Who do you act yourself around? Who knows you best? If they criticize you for something, don't feel awful about it: they're still your friend, right? They still love you, so you should still love yourself.
I know from experience that suicide is a permanent solution to temporary and totally fixable problems. If I had killed myself, I wouldn't have been able to feel as happy as I do today. Live with the belief that happiness is meant for you. Things will work out.
Coincidentally, "Human" by Human League is on the radio right now...listen to it, it's awesome.
P.S. I had indeed typed all of that and more previously, and hit the wrong key and got all of it deleted, which upset me to no end. Ha, I nearly cried - I hate when that happens SO MUCH! But I was determined to help this girl, so I did it again, though I think the first attempt was better. She probably won't even read all of it, but whatever, cuz it sure as hell did wonders for me.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Old Stuff Collection: Confessions of A Timid Pop Can
In seventh grade we were required to write a short story about a soda can. I have no idea why. Many things in this story make no sense; for one, what are a variety of different sodas in the same box? There are also misusages of words, but I was 12 so forgive me.
Confessions of A Timid Pop Can
"I loved my home at the soda factory. There were many ethnicities, and different pop cultures. I was a Pepsi filled with sweet sugar, and had many friends.One soon-to-be gruesome day, I had a box-party, prepared for a rapturous afternoon of merriment, which, as I later found out, was not how it turned out to be.
"All my friends came, including my boyfriend Sprite, who was a DJ. Everyone loved Sprite's remixes, and fizzed joyfully over how Big Red had so much caffeine, making him the most annoying factory civilian.
"Suddenly, a giant - with hands like rough cloth, eyes like darts, and a voice like thunder - grabbed each of us by our waists, threw us in a box, and slammed the door shut, locking us in!" I cried to my counselors, Dr.Pepper and Mr. Pibb. They glared at me dolefully, and I knew they wondered what this monster that kidnapped us was.
"What happened next?" asked Dr. Pepper curiously.
"I don't wanna talk about it anymore," I decided, fiddling with my tin cap.
"Just please describe it to us as best as you can," pleaded Mr.Pibb, anxious to hear the rest of my vicious tale.
"I don't wanna, I tell you!" I spat, shaking with fury and irritation. "The memory of it destroyed my life!"
"If you won't speak to us, why come in the first place?" Dr.Pepper pointed out with a frown, stealing a glance at the clock. "I have a meeting at 3:00!"
"Fine," I muttered, slumping in my chair. My eyes swelled with tears, feeling afflicted by the experience.
"What?"
"I SAID I'LL TELL YOU, YOU IDIOTS!!" I shouted. They dropped their steno pads and pens with surprise, gazing into my eyes, freaked out by my aggressivness. Well, hello? I have every right to yell, seeing as how I'm the only can alive who knows about the actual horrors of life.
"Well, my parents disappeared that day," I began again, looking down miserably. The doctors didn't speak, so I continued. "I never saw them again, after being taken away by those blood-sucking scoundrels. They crammed us all into that miserable box, which was gloomy and nauseating.
"Oh, this traumatic catastrophe is one I will never manage to forget. I was only just a youngster, so this incident will haunt my life from the time it happened to the day I decay.
"Anyway, what happened was, we were put in this wall. The beasts called it 'Wal-Mart,' which meant we were for sale, or something. Like we were slaves!
"Although Sprite and my other friends were there, I was still apprehensive and blah. One day, after an endless, exhausting week, an elderly woman ambled by and said, to herself, 'My grandchildren are as stale as a year-old loaf of bread! They need a sweetening. These sodas will do the trick. Those attitudes...'"
"The next thing we knew, we were moving down this strange mat. It was pretty graceful actually - although I still wanted to barf up my calories - until we got to the CASHIER." Dr.Pepper and Mr. Pibb shrieked, and toppled off their chairs. I snickered, loving the way those menacing popheads freaked out like that.
"Not...not the CASHIER!" wailed Mr. Pibb, shuddering.
"Yes. The Cashier," I replied, a wicked grin spreading across my face like peanut butter. "You know what THAT means."
"No, don't say it!" cried Dr.Pepper gutlessly. Those idiots. They had no idea that getting all excited like that would only lead me on.
"The SCANNER," I cackled, emphasizing on the word. Boy, was that a mistake. Both doctors started panicking and ran around the room like nut-cased whackos. I had the mentality to understand that the "S" word was impracticable, but saying it was supposed to amuse me, knowing that these so-called psychiatrists would scudder around like cockroaches, covering their ears and screeching at the top of their lungs. But at the moment I found it vexatious, because I wanted to get to the point.
"ANYWAY, the..."
"Don't say it!" squeaked Mr.Pibb, shaking uncontrollably.
"I'll call it the Hoobla," I said.
"Yes, please do," nodded Dr.Pepper, relaxing.
"So, the 'Hoobla's' intense radiation alarmed us, and we could feel our metallic crusts melting, our insides were splashing around like tsunamis. Although it was incredibly painful, nobody died.
"But not for long. After a bumpy ride in a suffocating, air-less damp area, where we slid around everywhere, we were taken out and soon after placed in a cool, wonderful surface. The peephole in front of me displayed a vase with attractive, scented objects popping out of it.
"Two mini-sized humans, called grandchildren, tore apart the box, and one of those horrific beings pulled Sprite's head off and gulped up his insides! I sobbed hysterically, and his limp body was crushed, then thrown into a green bin with three white arrows pointing around in a circle.
"Slowly, my pals disappeared one by one, and finally, I was the last one left. One day, while I was asleep, a grandchild grabbed me, just like the guys at the factory did, around my waist. He picked at my head. I groaned with pain, but he wasn't able to rip me apart.
"'Grandma!' he had cried, 'I can't get my soda open!' The Grandma entered the room and immediately, the kid tossed me into the air. The lethargic woman missed me! I fell on the ground, and it nearly killed me.
"But not quite. My insides squirmed and fizzed. It was horrible! My sticky brown blood leaked slowly out, and I was picked up and thrown into a large, white can with a steep depth. I fell and fell, and landed on a number of incredibly stinky items!
"A few days later, a large monster dumped me here which I made my new home. So here I live, and have sheltered for eight miserable years." The room was silent except for the breaths of the doctors and I. I swear, I could have heard an atom drop.
"Well, thank you," Dr.Pepper finally said awkwardly. "Please come again." And the two dudes ran the heck outta there.
Come again? As if.
Confessions of A Timid Pop Can
"I loved my home at the soda factory. There were many ethnicities, and different pop cultures. I was a Pepsi filled with sweet sugar, and had many friends.One soon-to-be gruesome day, I had a box-party, prepared for a rapturous afternoon of merriment, which, as I later found out, was not how it turned out to be.
"All my friends came, including my boyfriend Sprite, who was a DJ. Everyone loved Sprite's remixes, and fizzed joyfully over how Big Red had so much caffeine, making him the most annoying factory civilian.
"Suddenly, a giant - with hands like rough cloth, eyes like darts, and a voice like thunder - grabbed each of us by our waists, threw us in a box, and slammed the door shut, locking us in!" I cried to my counselors, Dr.Pepper and Mr. Pibb. They glared at me dolefully, and I knew they wondered what this monster that kidnapped us was.
"What happened next?" asked Dr. Pepper curiously.
"I don't wanna talk about it anymore," I decided, fiddling with my tin cap.
"Just please describe it to us as best as you can," pleaded Mr.Pibb, anxious to hear the rest of my vicious tale.
"I don't wanna, I tell you!" I spat, shaking with fury and irritation. "The memory of it destroyed my life!"
"If you won't speak to us, why come in the first place?" Dr.Pepper pointed out with a frown, stealing a glance at the clock. "I have a meeting at 3:00!"
"Fine," I muttered, slumping in my chair. My eyes swelled with tears, feeling afflicted by the experience.
"What?"
"I SAID I'LL TELL YOU, YOU IDIOTS!!" I shouted. They dropped their steno pads and pens with surprise, gazing into my eyes, freaked out by my aggressivness. Well, hello? I have every right to yell, seeing as how I'm the only can alive who knows about the actual horrors of life.
"Well, my parents disappeared that day," I began again, looking down miserably. The doctors didn't speak, so I continued. "I never saw them again, after being taken away by those blood-sucking scoundrels. They crammed us all into that miserable box, which was gloomy and nauseating.
"Oh, this traumatic catastrophe is one I will never manage to forget. I was only just a youngster, so this incident will haunt my life from the time it happened to the day I decay.
"Anyway, what happened was, we were put in this wall. The beasts called it 'Wal-Mart,' which meant we were for sale, or something. Like we were slaves!
"Although Sprite and my other friends were there, I was still apprehensive and blah. One day, after an endless, exhausting week, an elderly woman ambled by and said, to herself, 'My grandchildren are as stale as a year-old loaf of bread! They need a sweetening. These sodas will do the trick. Those attitudes...'"
"The next thing we knew, we were moving down this strange mat. It was pretty graceful actually - although I still wanted to barf up my calories - until we got to the CASHIER." Dr.Pepper and Mr. Pibb shrieked, and toppled off their chairs. I snickered, loving the way those menacing popheads freaked out like that.
"Not...not the CASHIER!" wailed Mr. Pibb, shuddering.
"Yes. The Cashier," I replied, a wicked grin spreading across my face like peanut butter. "You know what THAT means."
"No, don't say it!" cried Dr.Pepper gutlessly. Those idiots. They had no idea that getting all excited like that would only lead me on.
"The SCANNER," I cackled, emphasizing on the word. Boy, was that a mistake. Both doctors started panicking and ran around the room like nut-cased whackos. I had the mentality to understand that the "S" word was impracticable, but saying it was supposed to amuse me, knowing that these so-called psychiatrists would scudder around like cockroaches, covering their ears and screeching at the top of their lungs. But at the moment I found it vexatious, because I wanted to get to the point.
"ANYWAY, the..."
"Don't say it!" squeaked Mr.Pibb, shaking uncontrollably.
"I'll call it the Hoobla," I said.
"Yes, please do," nodded Dr.Pepper, relaxing.
"So, the 'Hoobla's' intense radiation alarmed us, and we could feel our metallic crusts melting, our insides were splashing around like tsunamis. Although it was incredibly painful, nobody died.
"But not for long. After a bumpy ride in a suffocating, air-less damp area, where we slid around everywhere, we were taken out and soon after placed in a cool, wonderful surface. The peephole in front of me displayed a vase with attractive, scented objects popping out of it.
"Two mini-sized humans, called grandchildren, tore apart the box, and one of those horrific beings pulled Sprite's head off and gulped up his insides! I sobbed hysterically, and his limp body was crushed, then thrown into a green bin with three white arrows pointing around in a circle.
"Slowly, my pals disappeared one by one, and finally, I was the last one left. One day, while I was asleep, a grandchild grabbed me, just like the guys at the factory did, around my waist. He picked at my head. I groaned with pain, but he wasn't able to rip me apart.
"'Grandma!' he had cried, 'I can't get my soda open!' The Grandma entered the room and immediately, the kid tossed me into the air. The lethargic woman missed me! I fell on the ground, and it nearly killed me.
"But not quite. My insides squirmed and fizzed. It was horrible! My sticky brown blood leaked slowly out, and I was picked up and thrown into a large, white can with a steep depth. I fell and fell, and landed on a number of incredibly stinky items!
"A few days later, a large monster dumped me here which I made my new home. So here I live, and have sheltered for eight miserable years." The room was silent except for the breaths of the doctors and I. I swear, I could have heard an atom drop.
"Well, thank you," Dr.Pepper finally said awkwardly. "Please come again." And the two dudes ran the heck outta there.
Come again? As if.
Factoid This, Bitch
This Factoid Friday thing is really pissing me off. We're supposed to choose a controversial topic and argue in defense of our stance. It's a year long project and every Friday, and we add another small fact to our folder. At the end of it, we're to write a persuasive paper about our topic. Every now and then we're supposed to present an "infomercial" to the class, and the first was today.
But you know what? I decided I don't give a shit anymore. About any of it. What the hell is up with this controversial crap anyway? Why the hell can't we just live simple bronze age lives, not giving a damn about what the rest of the world is doing? What's so great about being in touch with what the whole planet is up to? I used to care a great deal, and all I ever got out of it was pessimism, misery, and an, "I'll never be happy until everyone else is happy with me" attitude. Ever since I dropped it all and began at the very beginning - which is making myself and my closest friends and family happy before I try to be Wonderwoman and save the world - I've been a truly happy person. Besides, what if the world doesn't WANT to be saved? There are way too many views that would clash.
Sure, computers are fun and I'm the laziest person you'll ever meet, but I would much rather live in an ancient river valley working my butt off for food and just living the happy, simple life with my loved ones and share their beliefs and traditions instead of getting lectured for every fucking thing that comes out of my mouth.
Perhaps ignorance isn't an admirable trait in somebody, and I seem to be promoting it, but what I'm really promoting is simplicity. It's not like I'm trying to shove my personal beliefs down people's throats or attack people who don't believe as I do. All it is is a matter of perception and no matter how much we argue about something, people's minds will only change when they see the truth for themselves - which, for many moral issues we debate about today, does not exist. Almost everything is subjective.
If you're against abortion, nothing you do will prevent people from having them. If you think it's wrong to be gay, nothing you do will stop the fags from fucking. The only thing that will come out of your pro and anti babble is more conflict.
So if you're against abortion, don't have one. If gay acts are sinful to you, don't engage in them. If you don't like drugs, don't use them. If you think eating meat is wrong, then by god don't eat it! Just leave everyone else the fuck alone.
The only thing most of us agree on is that we would all like to lead happy lives, and not creating conflict where it isn't necessary is the first step to take. Do what makes you happy, but in such a way that it won't get in the way of other people's right to the pursuit of happiness. And for fuck's sake, stop all the fighting!
End of angry rant.
But you know what? I decided I don't give a shit anymore. About any of it. What the hell is up with this controversial crap anyway? Why the hell can't we just live simple bronze age lives, not giving a damn about what the rest of the world is doing? What's so great about being in touch with what the whole planet is up to? I used to care a great deal, and all I ever got out of it was pessimism, misery, and an, "I'll never be happy until everyone else is happy with me" attitude. Ever since I dropped it all and began at the very beginning - which is making myself and my closest friends and family happy before I try to be Wonderwoman and save the world - I've been a truly happy person. Besides, what if the world doesn't WANT to be saved? There are way too many views that would clash.
Sure, computers are fun and I'm the laziest person you'll ever meet, but I would much rather live in an ancient river valley working my butt off for food and just living the happy, simple life with my loved ones and share their beliefs and traditions instead of getting lectured for every fucking thing that comes out of my mouth.
Perhaps ignorance isn't an admirable trait in somebody, and I seem to be promoting it, but what I'm really promoting is simplicity. It's not like I'm trying to shove my personal beliefs down people's throats or attack people who don't believe as I do. All it is is a matter of perception and no matter how much we argue about something, people's minds will only change when they see the truth for themselves - which, for many moral issues we debate about today, does not exist. Almost everything is subjective.
If you're against abortion, nothing you do will prevent people from having them. If you think it's wrong to be gay, nothing you do will stop the fags from fucking. The only thing that will come out of your pro and anti babble is more conflict.
So if you're against abortion, don't have one. If gay acts are sinful to you, don't engage in them. If you don't like drugs, don't use them. If you think eating meat is wrong, then by god don't eat it! Just leave everyone else the fuck alone.
The only thing most of us agree on is that we would all like to lead happy lives, and not creating conflict where it isn't necessary is the first step to take. Do what makes you happy, but in such a way that it won't get in the way of other people's right to the pursuit of happiness. And for fuck's sake, stop all the fighting!
End of angry rant.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Molester
I just had a crazy dream and I can't let myself forget it.
Anyway, in this dream, I was still friends with Vivian, and Selena and I were spending the night at her house. At Vivian's house, we were, I don't know, watching a movie when I fell asleep and had a dream within a dream. In this dream, I was riding a bus which was moving down the dark road at a snail's pace past a hospital. Some of the blinds in the hospital windows were pulled up, so I could see into the rooms where sick, elderly people lay. All of a sudden, I was in one of these rooms. It was dimly light, and the hospital bed obstructed my view of the patient, but I knew she was a very old woman. Her son, who sat beside her, said, "She's gone..." A nurse walked in pushing a very fancy-looking armchair on wheels and squeezed it next to the bed, to move the body there (I suppose that's what you were supposed to do with the dead - put them in fancy movable chairs). All of a sudden, I became terrified of death and ran out of the room into the dark hospital hallway before I could see the woman's empty face. The hallway looked like that of a fancy hotel.
It seemed like the walls were closing in on me. I saw things in night vision and I felt the death behind every single door, and it was going to get me, and it had hands and feet and was chasing me. So I ran down the hallway, and down a staircase. I was back in Vivian's house, but I was still dreaming, and I knew it because Vivian's house wasn't so gigantic and didn't have staircase after staircase, and it wasn't that dark, and this looked like a millionaire's mansion, or maybe a palace because of the extremely regal furniture that lie around, unused. The thing continued to chase me and I made it for the front door and pulled it open so I could run quickly and lose it. But damn it, it was raining! Even still, the sun was just beginning to rise and its morning rays fell upon the lawns and trees and wet pavement.
By now, I was like, "Okay, that was a dream, and nothing is chasing me, and I'm back at Vivian's house, and I'm awake now. But obviously I was sleep walking because I'm outside." Despite this, I continued to sprint down the street in the light downpour. I ran, figuring I'd just tell Vivian when she woke up to find me missing that I went for a morning job, and eventually found myself outside my old elementary school, Thornton.
For some reason, time had gone backwards, and it was around 6 in the morning - rather than 7, and I knew this because it had gotten dark again. People were outside of Thornton, sitting around in the grass and parking lot; little children, people my age, adults. It was "buddy day", or something, and I sat down next to a fifth grader (who looked more like she was 14). But I felt young. I didn't look 16, I looked 11, but I wasn't. I wanted this girl to know, as she smiled at me and introduced herself, that I had experienced things since I left Thornton and I was older and I should really be listened to. One of the Thornton coaches, Coach Cowin (right? That was the tall skinny lady?), told us to walk around the school and explore. The girl and I went left in the direction of the playground. It was becoming light again, and as we strolled I told her, "I didn't come here in kindergarten, instead I went to this crappy school called Bear Creek." I thought for a moment. "Well, it wasn't crappy, but whatever..."
All of a sudden, I was back on Vivian's street, just as I had already been, with drizzle falling from the sky and the morning sun rising over the trees. Except now, Selena was running after me with her suitcase (she could have just taken a bag, but this is a dream and things like this cannot be explained). "Wait!" she cried. "I'm coming too."
"Why'd you bring your stuff?" I asked, slightly annoyed. "I'm just going for a morning jog."
"I brought it, just in case my mom shows up before we get back and I'll be ready." Which makes no sense, but in the dream it did.
We were at Thornton again, and we sat in these very tight bleacher things...except they were bars too...it's difficult to explain, because such does not exist in reality. Basically, the were bleachers that were crammed against a fence, except instead of benches, you sat on bars. Selena sat on the bar above me, leg dangling, and we laughed and remembered our days at Thornton together. Everything was great, and I was eight years old again. Selena nudged me and pointed below her, where one of my old friends Jorge was talking to some girls (one of them, I saw, was Nicole's little sister Mariana). "Oh cool. Jorge!" I said. He ignored me pointedly, and I felt dissed - maybe I was eight again, but he was still the age he is now. I said his name again, and he looked at me: "Yeah?" "Do you remember me, Jorge?" "Yes, I do." Then he turned and talked to the girls again. Selena and I looked at each other.
Suddenly, still at Thornton, we were in a bathroom stall together, and Mariana was with us. We were just there to hang out, which again, makes no sense, but in dream world it did. I still felt eight years old and my perception of reality was innocent and carefree like that of a child's. I was at Thornton. I could be one again. I could just throw experience and rationale out the window.
But apparently, there are consequences for being young, because all of a sudden a fat man was in the restroom with us, and he shoved his fist in an arm hole in the door of the stall (no sense!) and began trying to grab Selena and I. His hand brushed my jeans right at the zipper and then I knew what he was trying to do: stick his hands down our pants. Selena and I swatted him away and bolted the door shut so he couldn't open it and moved away from it so he couldn't reach us, cramming ourselves. In reality, we could have just opened the door, kicked his ass, and walked away, but in this dream, he had us trapped and were being held hostage by a pedophile. I didn't know I could do anything about it because I was a kid again. As the guy entered other stalls and molested young girls, Selena and I tried to come up with a way to get out of there. Every now and then his body would be pressed up against our door, threatening. I dug my hand in my pocket and pulled out a red ballpoint pen and tried to force myself to think 16 again, so I could know what to do with it.
"Okay," I whispered to Selena, "Next time his body is pressed against the door, I'm going to stab him with this pen, and we're going to get out of here and he won't be able to touch us." Five seconds later, his body was pressed against it again, and my grip on the pen tightened as I prepared to thrust it through the hole and into his fatty and jiggly epidermis. But then he was gone, and I had x-ray vision and saw Vivian standing behind the door, her eyes flashing. She opened it and motioned for us to come out. "Hurry, he's doing something else, but I'm going to get you out of here." We sneaked out of the bathroom, and as I stepped outside, the sun was high in the sky and I closed my eyes to protect then against its light.
I opened them and I was in my bedroom. And then I went to the kitchen to see if there were any diet Pepsi, which there wasn't, and came back, and here I am, and I'm still kinda in that dreamy state.
But yeah, I had to share it because it was epic.
Anyway, in this dream, I was still friends with Vivian, and Selena and I were spending the night at her house. At Vivian's house, we were, I don't know, watching a movie when I fell asleep and had a dream within a dream. In this dream, I was riding a bus which was moving down the dark road at a snail's pace past a hospital. Some of the blinds in the hospital windows were pulled up, so I could see into the rooms where sick, elderly people lay. All of a sudden, I was in one of these rooms. It was dimly light, and the hospital bed obstructed my view of the patient, but I knew she was a very old woman. Her son, who sat beside her, said, "She's gone..." A nurse walked in pushing a very fancy-looking armchair on wheels and squeezed it next to the bed, to move the body there (I suppose that's what you were supposed to do with the dead - put them in fancy movable chairs). All of a sudden, I became terrified of death and ran out of the room into the dark hospital hallway before I could see the woman's empty face. The hallway looked like that of a fancy hotel.
It seemed like the walls were closing in on me. I saw things in night vision and I felt the death behind every single door, and it was going to get me, and it had hands and feet and was chasing me. So I ran down the hallway, and down a staircase. I was back in Vivian's house, but I was still dreaming, and I knew it because Vivian's house wasn't so gigantic and didn't have staircase after staircase, and it wasn't that dark, and this looked like a millionaire's mansion, or maybe a palace because of the extremely regal furniture that lie around, unused. The thing continued to chase me and I made it for the front door and pulled it open so I could run quickly and lose it. But damn it, it was raining! Even still, the sun was just beginning to rise and its morning rays fell upon the lawns and trees and wet pavement.
By now, I was like, "Okay, that was a dream, and nothing is chasing me, and I'm back at Vivian's house, and I'm awake now. But obviously I was sleep walking because I'm outside." Despite this, I continued to sprint down the street in the light downpour. I ran, figuring I'd just tell Vivian when she woke up to find me missing that I went for a morning job, and eventually found myself outside my old elementary school, Thornton.
For some reason, time had gone backwards, and it was around 6 in the morning - rather than 7, and I knew this because it had gotten dark again. People were outside of Thornton, sitting around in the grass and parking lot; little children, people my age, adults. It was "buddy day", or something, and I sat down next to a fifth grader (who looked more like she was 14). But I felt young. I didn't look 16, I looked 11, but I wasn't. I wanted this girl to know, as she smiled at me and introduced herself, that I had experienced things since I left Thornton and I was older and I should really be listened to. One of the Thornton coaches, Coach Cowin (right? That was the tall skinny lady?), told us to walk around the school and explore. The girl and I went left in the direction of the playground. It was becoming light again, and as we strolled I told her, "I didn't come here in kindergarten, instead I went to this crappy school called Bear Creek." I thought for a moment. "Well, it wasn't crappy, but whatever..."
All of a sudden, I was back on Vivian's street, just as I had already been, with drizzle falling from the sky and the morning sun rising over the trees. Except now, Selena was running after me with her suitcase (she could have just taken a bag, but this is a dream and things like this cannot be explained). "Wait!" she cried. "I'm coming too."
"Why'd you bring your stuff?" I asked, slightly annoyed. "I'm just going for a morning jog."
"I brought it, just in case my mom shows up before we get back and I'll be ready." Which makes no sense, but in the dream it did.
We were at Thornton again, and we sat in these very tight bleacher things...except they were bars too...it's difficult to explain, because such does not exist in reality. Basically, the were bleachers that were crammed against a fence, except instead of benches, you sat on bars. Selena sat on the bar above me, leg dangling, and we laughed and remembered our days at Thornton together. Everything was great, and I was eight years old again. Selena nudged me and pointed below her, where one of my old friends Jorge was talking to some girls (one of them, I saw, was Nicole's little sister Mariana). "Oh cool. Jorge!" I said. He ignored me pointedly, and I felt dissed - maybe I was eight again, but he was still the age he is now. I said his name again, and he looked at me: "Yeah?" "Do you remember me, Jorge?" "Yes, I do." Then he turned and talked to the girls again. Selena and I looked at each other.
Suddenly, still at Thornton, we were in a bathroom stall together, and Mariana was with us. We were just there to hang out, which again, makes no sense, but in dream world it did. I still felt eight years old and my perception of reality was innocent and carefree like that of a child's. I was at Thornton. I could be one again. I could just throw experience and rationale out the window.
But apparently, there are consequences for being young, because all of a sudden a fat man was in the restroom with us, and he shoved his fist in an arm hole in the door of the stall (no sense!) and began trying to grab Selena and I. His hand brushed my jeans right at the zipper and then I knew what he was trying to do: stick his hands down our pants. Selena and I swatted him away and bolted the door shut so he couldn't open it and moved away from it so he couldn't reach us, cramming ourselves. In reality, we could have just opened the door, kicked his ass, and walked away, but in this dream, he had us trapped and were being held hostage by a pedophile. I didn't know I could do anything about it because I was a kid again. As the guy entered other stalls and molested young girls, Selena and I tried to come up with a way to get out of there. Every now and then his body would be pressed up against our door, threatening. I dug my hand in my pocket and pulled out a red ballpoint pen and tried to force myself to think 16 again, so I could know what to do with it.
"Okay," I whispered to Selena, "Next time his body is pressed against the door, I'm going to stab him with this pen, and we're going to get out of here and he won't be able to touch us." Five seconds later, his body was pressed against it again, and my grip on the pen tightened as I prepared to thrust it through the hole and into his fatty and jiggly epidermis. But then he was gone, and I had x-ray vision and saw Vivian standing behind the door, her eyes flashing. She opened it and motioned for us to come out. "Hurry, he's doing something else, but I'm going to get you out of here." We sneaked out of the bathroom, and as I stepped outside, the sun was high in the sky and I closed my eyes to protect then against its light.
I opened them and I was in my bedroom. And then I went to the kitchen to see if there were any diet Pepsi, which there wasn't, and came back, and here I am, and I'm still kinda in that dreamy state.
But yeah, I had to share it because it was epic.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Sensation or Fail?
This is the book I stayed up for hours last night reading. What Lesley did was take a bunch of diary entries from ages 11 through 25 and updated them. She goes through all these crazy phases and gets on all these drugs, and it ends after she goes to rehab and stays off heroin forever. Maybe my life isn't as dramatic as hers was...but then again, my life has been pretty chaotic. And what do you expect, I'm a teenager! So this morning, I pulled out all my journals and started reading and tabbing entries I though I could possibly one day comment upon and then publish.
But then I had a better idea: instead of making it a book, I can create a blog for it! Every day, I will take a journal entry, write my own "update" (in chronological order of course) and post it. I realise how risky it is and people might get offended if they see their names there. If the person isn't directly relevant but I still bash them, I'll probably change their name. It will also be extremely embarrassing, but I know how to laugh at myself. Well sometimes. But this would be a true test to see how much I don't care what people think. =D
Also, it could help its readers. Maybe a girl will be skimming along, and then thinks, "OMG I'm facing this same problem right now!" And then she'll see how terribly I handled the situation and it'll be a learning experience for her without having to mess up her life. The demographic I'd be aiming for are, of course, the kids of my own age group, or maybe people who just love making fun of other people.
Maybe it's a terrible idea, but I will try it anyway and ask my friends what they think about it, whether or not they would follow it, etc. I mean, even when I just started writing in journals, I fantasised about one day publishing them and people reading them and learning from them and laughing at them and bonding with me despite having never met me. I wanted everything to be in the open one day, like Mia's diary in "Princess Diaries". But see, thing is, she's fictional. I was edgy because I'm not fictional (I don't think) and hadn't really read non-fictional journals, except maybe The Diary of Anne Frank, and more recently, Go Ask Alice (like, it's an old book, but I just read it), except that one is anonymous, and BOTH she and Anne Frank ended up dead and their journals were published by other people. But then I read "Dear Diary", and Lesley Arfin did exactly what I wanted to do. I'm going to do it!
I'm really excited about this, but I'm also pretty scared. Heh. What if I get shot? Oh boy. Whatever though. Life is about taking risks and this is one that I totally just have to take.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
The Failure.
Guess what I'M not doing? My homework! What else is new? The thing is, I promised myself AND everyone else that this year, I truly was going to try, and I was going to make honour roll (for once), and I was going to raise my joke of a GPA, and blah blah blah. But I HAVE tried. I have stayed up till midnight pretty much the day school started doing homework, and I still manage to fall completely behind. And I know I'm doing SOMETHING wrong, because others don't seem to have a problem (or if they do have a problem, it isn't much worse than last year or the year before that and that for them).
Tonight, I planned to stay up until as late as it took to do my homework. I even made myself a schedule. I'd start at 7:00 after a nap, do Spanish which would take thirty minutes (wrong - I skipped the nap, started the Spanish at around 6:00 and didn't finish until 8:00, so even though I started earlier, I already fell behind schedule...and I didn't even FINISH! I just gave up because it was so ridiculous), some algebra for 30 more minutes (but however long I stare at the worksheet and try to understand it, I just can't for the life of me...and I tried to get help from my book, my mom, my neighbor, my computer, to no success), my history notes for an hour (but I'm just so exhausted that I couldn't focus after 10 minutes), and my epistemology essay for English for two more hours (except the topic is something totally optimistic, and it talks about self-improvement shit which I don't even really care about anymore, when right now I hate myself and my life and everything. So I'm just going to take Jehn's advice and BS it, since it's only the first draft, and it's already fucking long as hell anyway).
But I've given up. I'm just too tired. My eyes have been aching mercilessly for days because of exhaustion and allergies, and I can't stay awake for much longer, and the only thing I have any motivation to do is complain about how sucky everything is. That's all I ever do. No matter how good my life is.
Whatever, though. Just because a life is good on the surface doesn't mean the mind is. Sure, I was okay for a while, a few months, but now school has started, and I've once again realised that my ENTIRE LIFE depends on school, and it's all gone to waste, which makes me a failure at life, and all my determination to prove myself wrong when I tell myself I'm a lazy assfuck has gone to waste, because I AM a lazy assfuck. I'm a fat, useless, lazy assfuck and guess what? I don't give a shit. I don't care how lame a human that makes me. I don't CARE. It's MY life and if I want to waste it away hiding from responsibility, that's my personal business. Plus, I'm doing what I want LEAST and sticking my nose back into politics. I don't know why. But that's another reason why life is once again in the gutter. I don't WANT to be a liberal. I don't WANT to support Obama OR McCain. I don't WANT to give a shit about the economy or where America is going or anything. I don't want to be involved with ANY of it. Politics in general are evil, and they make me depressed as hell and I want nothing to do with them. Except I a natural cynic, and politics is a fucking haven for cynics, and so of course I'm getting all up in it, especially with election day coming so soon.
Just screw everything. Screw school. Screw work. Screw my poor health. Screw all the people who take advantange of my extreme pushoverness and walk all over me. Screw not getting enough sleep. Screw the people who doubt me (even though they have every right to, given my reputation of failage). Screw boyfriends who don't seem to want to have any sort of serious conversation with me. SCREW IT.
I AM A LAZY, WHINY, PESSIMISTIC, FAILING, CYNICAL, ALLERGIC, ANXIOUS, DEPRESSED, UGLY, BITCHY LOSER.
Don't bother telling me so, because I already know.
Let me be.
Tonight, I planned to stay up until as late as it took to do my homework. I even made myself a schedule. I'd start at 7:00 after a nap, do Spanish which would take thirty minutes (wrong - I skipped the nap, started the Spanish at around 6:00 and didn't finish until 8:00, so even though I started earlier, I already fell behind schedule...and I didn't even FINISH! I just gave up because it was so ridiculous), some algebra for 30 more minutes (but however long I stare at the worksheet and try to understand it, I just can't for the life of me...and I tried to get help from my book, my mom, my neighbor, my computer, to no success), my history notes for an hour (but I'm just so exhausted that I couldn't focus after 10 minutes), and my epistemology essay for English for two more hours (except the topic is something totally optimistic, and it talks about self-improvement shit which I don't even really care about anymore, when right now I hate myself and my life and everything. So I'm just going to take Jehn's advice and BS it, since it's only the first draft, and it's already fucking long as hell anyway).
But I've given up. I'm just too tired. My eyes have been aching mercilessly for days because of exhaustion and allergies, and I can't stay awake for much longer, and the only thing I have any motivation to do is complain about how sucky everything is. That's all I ever do. No matter how good my life is.
Whatever, though. Just because a life is good on the surface doesn't mean the mind is. Sure, I was okay for a while, a few months, but now school has started, and I've once again realised that my ENTIRE LIFE depends on school, and it's all gone to waste, which makes me a failure at life, and all my determination to prove myself wrong when I tell myself I'm a lazy assfuck has gone to waste, because I AM a lazy assfuck. I'm a fat, useless, lazy assfuck and guess what? I don't give a shit. I don't care how lame a human that makes me. I don't CARE. It's MY life and if I want to waste it away hiding from responsibility, that's my personal business. Plus, I'm doing what I want LEAST and sticking my nose back into politics. I don't know why. But that's another reason why life is once again in the gutter. I don't WANT to be a liberal. I don't WANT to support Obama OR McCain. I don't WANT to give a shit about the economy or where America is going or anything. I don't want to be involved with ANY of it. Politics in general are evil, and they make me depressed as hell and I want nothing to do with them. Except I a natural cynic, and politics is a fucking haven for cynics, and so of course I'm getting all up in it, especially with election day coming so soon.
Just screw everything. Screw school. Screw work. Screw my poor health. Screw all the people who take advantange of my extreme pushoverness and walk all over me. Screw not getting enough sleep. Screw the people who doubt me (even though they have every right to, given my reputation of failage). Screw boyfriends who don't seem to want to have any sort of serious conversation with me. SCREW IT.
I AM A LAZY, WHINY, PESSIMISTIC, FAILING, CYNICAL, ALLERGIC, ANXIOUS, DEPRESSED, UGLY, BITCHY LOSER.
Don't bother telling me so, because I already know.
Let me be.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Summer Playlist 2008
These are the songs that, whenever I hear them, I will forever be reminded of summer 2008. As you can see, most of them are from the 80's, because I discovered what real music is.
- "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham! While other songs are usually mere infatuations, this one is a soul mate. Even if I'm in the direst of moods, hearing George Michael's merry wishes to "hit that high" will cheer me right the fuck up. On Myspace, it is my profile song. It's melody is a perfect reflection of my personality. My favorite thing about this song is when it comes on the radio, catching me by surprise.
-"Always Something There to Remind Me" by Naked Eyes. Because my mind works in very strange ways, this song reminds me of a particular intersection near my house...it's on Bandera and that one street you'd take a left on if you want to go to Burger King or Sonic. That's because this song was on one time when I was at that intersection (while my mom was driving, not I). It also reminds me of those old JCPenney's commercials because they had a remake for it that went "always something there to excite me". Haha. "Excite." (Pardon my immaturity.)
-"Eye In The Sky" by Alan Parsons Project. I don't know quite why, but when I hear this song, I want to watch that Alvin and the Chipmunks movie, "The Chipmunk Adventure." In it, the Chipmunks and the Chipettes race around the world for diamond-filled dolls that are replicas of themselves. I don't know quite why this song reminds me of that movie but it does.
-"Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2. Reminds me of driving down USAA Boulevarde after work.
-"Can't Fight This Feeling" by REO Speedwagon. I like singing this song for some reason. And I love it. Not anywhere near as much as "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" or "Always Something There to Remind Me", but it's just...a great song.
-"Hakuna Matata" from The Lion King. My favorite Disney song of all time. During my Michigan vacation, I became obsessed with it, and it reminds me of crossing Lake Whatever from Mackinaw to Mackinac Island on a cloudy and drizzly day. The best part of the songs that makes me very happy is the part when Simba, Timon, and Pumba are crossing that log as Simba matures. It's awesome music. That whole SOUNDTRACK is awesome, but this is the best. Most reflective of my personality.
-"More Than That" by Backstreet Boys. My cousin Erin and I were sitting in the backseat of our rented SUV listening and singing aloud to 90's songs on her iPod, and this one came on. I got excited because the Backstreet Boys are awesome, and she enthusiastically agreed, "I know!" I was also paying attention to the scenery, and Michigan is so beautiful. I have decided to live there when I can buy my own house.
-"Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye. This song will remind me of this summer in the future, but whenever I heard it while the summer was still in progress, it reminded me of sitting in the shaded parking lot of my therapist thing in 8th grade, waiting for my scheduled appointment during which I'd BS all this stuff about how great I'm doing so I wouldn't have to go anymore. It was in a little business center for social workers and lawyers, and songs like this remind me of business centers for some reason. Also, the word "healing" seems to match with my emotional healing. Not sexual, but whatever. Actually...a lot of my reasons for being at that counselor were sex-based. To heal me of "bad experiences", even though they didn't really have anything to do with my depression.
-"Buffalo Stance" by Neneh Cherry. Heh, this song is weird. But it's funny. And it reminds me of...just sitting on my ass at the computer.
-"Invisible Touch" by Genesis. Another sitting on my ass song. But it also reminds me of Tarzan because Phil Collins is singing it.
-"How To Save A Life" by The Fray. I don't like this song that much...well, it's okay. But almost every single time I drove to work, this song would come on Magic 105.3, so it reminds me of, well, going to work (actually, this is another intersection one...it reminds of the intersection at Huebner and Babcock). I don't like the beginning because his voice is annoyingly whiny, and I don't like the drum piece at the end. But besides that, the song is okay.
-"Hey There, Delilah" by The White Stripes. (Reminds me of driving down the hill on Eckert). Although I don't much like his voice because it's kinda scratchy and whiny, I love the lyrics. If someone wrote a song like that for me, I would probably fall over and die because I wouldn't know what to do with all that happiness.
That's all. There are other songs that remind me of this summer, but those are the most important ones.
- "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham! While other songs are usually mere infatuations, this one is a soul mate. Even if I'm in the direst of moods, hearing George Michael's merry wishes to "hit that high" will cheer me right the fuck up. On Myspace, it is my profile song. It's melody is a perfect reflection of my personality. My favorite thing about this song is when it comes on the radio, catching me by surprise.
-"Always Something There to Remind Me" by Naked Eyes. Because my mind works in very strange ways, this song reminds me of a particular intersection near my house...it's on Bandera and that one street you'd take a left on if you want to go to Burger King or Sonic. That's because this song was on one time when I was at that intersection (while my mom was driving, not I). It also reminds me of those old JCPenney's commercials because they had a remake for it that went "always something there to excite me". Haha. "Excite." (Pardon my immaturity.)
-"Eye In The Sky" by Alan Parsons Project. I don't know quite why, but when I hear this song, I want to watch that Alvin and the Chipmunks movie, "The Chipmunk Adventure." In it, the Chipmunks and the Chipettes race around the world for diamond-filled dolls that are replicas of themselves. I don't know quite why this song reminds me of that movie but it does.
-"Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2. Reminds me of driving down USAA Boulevarde after work.
-"Can't Fight This Feeling" by REO Speedwagon. I like singing this song for some reason. And I love it. Not anywhere near as much as "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" or "Always Something There to Remind Me", but it's just...a great song.
-"Hakuna Matata" from The Lion King. My favorite Disney song of all time. During my Michigan vacation, I became obsessed with it, and it reminds me of crossing Lake Whatever from Mackinaw to Mackinac Island on a cloudy and drizzly day. The best part of the songs that makes me very happy is the part when Simba, Timon, and Pumba are crossing that log as Simba matures. It's awesome music. That whole SOUNDTRACK is awesome, but this is the best. Most reflective of my personality.
-"More Than That" by Backstreet Boys. My cousin Erin and I were sitting in the backseat of our rented SUV listening and singing aloud to 90's songs on her iPod, and this one came on. I got excited because the Backstreet Boys are awesome, and she enthusiastically agreed, "I know!" I was also paying attention to the scenery, and Michigan is so beautiful. I have decided to live there when I can buy my own house.
-"Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye. This song will remind me of this summer in the future, but whenever I heard it while the summer was still in progress, it reminded me of sitting in the shaded parking lot of my therapist thing in 8th grade, waiting for my scheduled appointment during which I'd BS all this stuff about how great I'm doing so I wouldn't have to go anymore. It was in a little business center for social workers and lawyers, and songs like this remind me of business centers for some reason. Also, the word "healing" seems to match with my emotional healing. Not sexual, but whatever. Actually...a lot of my reasons for being at that counselor were sex-based. To heal me of "bad experiences", even though they didn't really have anything to do with my depression.
-"Buffalo Stance" by Neneh Cherry. Heh, this song is weird. But it's funny. And it reminds me of...just sitting on my ass at the computer.
-"Invisible Touch" by Genesis. Another sitting on my ass song. But it also reminds me of Tarzan because Phil Collins is singing it.
-"How To Save A Life" by The Fray. I don't like this song that much...well, it's okay. But almost every single time I drove to work, this song would come on Magic 105.3, so it reminds me of, well, going to work (actually, this is another intersection one...it reminds of the intersection at Huebner and Babcock). I don't like the beginning because his voice is annoyingly whiny, and I don't like the drum piece at the end. But besides that, the song is okay.
-"Hey There, Delilah" by The White Stripes. (Reminds me of driving down the hill on Eckert). Although I don't much like his voice because it's kinda scratchy and whiny, I love the lyrics. If someone wrote a song like that for me, I would probably fall over and die because I wouldn't know what to do with all that happiness.
That's all. There are other songs that remind me of this summer, but those are the most important ones.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Minds Change In Love
A couple months ago I created a survey about what girls look for in boyfriends. Reading over answers, I see that my mind has changed. The difference between then and now is that then, I didn't really know what I wanted, whereas now, just a few months later, I do, because for the most part, I have it. (And I've changed quite a bit...so much can happen in so little time.) The real reason why I'm doing this is because I'm bored as crap, and haven't posted a blog in a month, and feel obligated to do SOMETHING, even if it's totally retarded, just as this is. (Some answers I kept or only slightly altered, but most of them are completely redone.)
1. First of all, what kind of girl are you? I hate to use the cliched stereotypes, but under which social group would you place yourself [preppy, nerdy, rebellious, etc.]? What are your hobbies and interests?
I guess I qualify as a "nerd", though that label seems to be so broad that I should not even bother leaving it at that. I shop anywhere that has cheap clothes that I think are cute. (Also, my definition of "cute" is also broad...I like clothes from all over the spectrum, from preppy to punky; I dress according to mood, or according to day.) I'm interested in writing, of course. And, suprisingly to some, I no longer have much interest in politics. In fact, I simply don't give a shit about any of the issues anymore, except maybe abortion, which I support for a variety of inarguable reasons (heh, but that view is subjective of course). I am torn between adulthood and childhood; I have what my friend Catie calls the "Peter Pan Complex"...I don't want to grow up. And yet, I am growing up, and I can feel maturity setting in more and more by the day. I might major in marketing and go into publishing as a career, though I might become a full-time author if my writing career really kicks off. Oh, and I'm quite shy. It may not seem so over the internet, because this is the place where I can just let myself go and don't have to make eye contact. But in person, I just sit and observe with a small but genuine smile on my face. Oh, and I'm very open about my sexuality.
2. Physically, what do you first notice about a potential boyfriend?
This is a tough question. And I don't like the way I worded it. Just because I think someone is cute doesn't mean they have any boyfriend potential. Anyway, it really depends on the person, because nobody looks the same, and different features appeal to me in different people. For instance, I never really noticed arm muscles until I wrapped my hands around those of my boyfriend's, and I drool over his arms. I don't really check people out anyway...I know that sounds ridiculous but I don't...I already found what I'm looking for. hehehe.
3. Personally, what qualities do you look for in a potential boyfriend?
It seems that shyness seems to be a pattern in guys I generally have found attractive throughout my life, though there are indeed different types of shyness. I like the kind where he's modest, and it's incredibly cute when he refuses to make eye contact. However, I draw the line at him being so shy they can't open up to me... Friendliness is a must. The nicer the better. And I love a sense of humour. And what's even sexier is a shy boy who is also incredibly funny, and quite vulgar and crude around his close knit of friends. A laid-back boy.
4. What are your turn-ons and turn-offs?
Turn-ons: shyness, friendliness, living in the moment, nice arm muscles, shirtless (HA!), has an ability to talk dirty and make great cyber sex (as well as real sex, though I don't really know much about that yet...unfortunately), sensitive, funny, trusting and honest, and not judgmental. Turn-offs: mean, boring, uptight, likes dirty politics, very religious and/or politically conservative (moderately is fine, but not so much that it makes him intolerant of those who believe differently), can't open up to me, "bad boy" (I just don't like the "rebel without a cause" thing, and tattoos and mohawks don't do it for me), too much of a pushover (my boyfriend and I are both huge pushovers, and I do admit we're both flawed in this area), holds grudges, and jealous.
5. Where would you recommend a guy to draw the line between way too clingy and not there enough? Describe in as much detail as possible.
Way too clingy: see him almost every day outside an academic setting, needs to talk to me every minute, expects me to ditch previously made plans with friends for a last-minute get-together with him. Not there enough: doesn't call me back after a day, doesn't try to communicate with me at least once or twice a day, don' t see him very much or at all outside an academic setting, no alone time whatsoever, seems to have better things to do than talk to me. (He needs some work on this one...=/)
6. If you had, in your eyes, the hottest guy you’ve ever seen, what would he have to do to make you break up with him?
I do have the hottest guy I've ever seen! Heh. But...I would break up with him for similar reasons that I would with any other guy...actually, that isn't true. If, for instance, he cheated on me (I'm absolutely sure this WON'T happen however; I have 100% trust in him), the circumstances would depend; if he actually had a relationship with this other girl, it would have to end, but if it was a spontaneous hook-up, I'd try to find some way to get us through it (assuming he wants to work it out). It's kind of hard to answer this when I'm in love with him...if I wasn't in love with him, I'd probably get so jealous I'd just dump him on the spot, regardless. But that isn't the case.
7. If a rather unattractive guy was interested in you, what qualities would he have to have so that you would consider dating him? [Besides money, people...]
I'd probably have to be friends with him for a while first. A few times, I have found myself getting turned on by people I initially found unattractive, but after getting to know them very well, I'd find we're actual quite compatible, and I look past his flaws and see only the beauty in him. It's cheesy I suppose. (Note: I have never found my current love unattractive. I just didn't really notice his hotness until later, heh.)
8. Describe the ideal date [the activities, not the guy himself].
These are so hard to answer. My answer to this one is, really, anywhere, as long as he's there. Okay, I draw the line at places like "grandma's bedroom" or "in an alleyway" (actually, that one doesn't sound too bad...). The perfect date with him, I suppose, would be...spending the day with him in a social setting with friends, and then taking him back to my house to make love. :D Really, it just doesn't matter. Maybe I'm not being picky because I don't see him much...
9. What do you consider to be romantic?
Falling in love with somebody and feeling that way until the day you die (it's even more romantic if the love is unreturned, but I would rather not experience that personally.)
10. How do you feel about chivalry? When is it and when isn’t it appropriate?
I think most girls will agree with me when I say that it depends on the setting: in a casual setting, such as movie theatre or dining out to some informal restaurant or something like that, chivalry is to be put aside. I know perfectly well how to open the car door, thankyouverymuch, and I fucking TOLD you I would pay for myself; don’t INSIST on paying for me, because I feel uncomfortable about it, and please don’t make me tense. And fucking christ, what am I gonna do with those flowers? Is it my wedding or something? Maybe if it's just one that you picked along the way and thought it'd look nice in my hair. But that's it I feel the same way even in formal settings. I'm not a huge feminist, but I can do things for myself, even though I'm a woman (heh).
11. In what manner would you like a guy to ask you out?
If I really like the dude, I don't really care, as long as it happens. Actually, if he asked a friend to do it for him, I wouldn't really like that. I liked the cute and shy way EY asked me. He did that avoiding eye contact thing and had the sexiest shy smile I've ever seen. I also liked that I knew it was coming by the way he sat next to me and kinda had his hand on my leg minutes before, so I could prepare myself (and because I gave him my phone number the day before and he called me and we giggled nervously over the phone...oh, and a friend told me it was probably going to happen).
12. What kinds of activities would you and your ideal boyfriend do on a regular basis? What kinds of things would you talk about? How often would you see each other?
Uh, I dunno. We'd do whatever we're both in the mood for...it'd probably involve hanging out with our friends a lot. Or maybe going to the movies. Simple things...it just doesn't really matter to me, as long as we're both having fun. IDEALLY, we would have solo dates at least once every two weeks, but that probably isn't going to happen anytime soon. =/
13. How do you know when you’re in love?
Oh jeez. So many things to say but so few ways to say it. Um...because I trust the crap outta him, and have never been happier with anyone else. He doesn't make me want to be mean; whereas I was abusive as fuck in past relationships, the only thing I want to make him feel is happy, and I don't like it when I upset him...I wrote a blog about this a couple months ago. See that.
14. When you know you’re in love, how do you express it to your guy, verbally, physically, and any other way?
Verbally...well I tell him, of course. Our cutesy way of saying it is "i lovery u (insert ridiculous pet name here)", but when I suddenly feel overwhelmed with love for him, I just flat out say, "I love you so much". I'll also say things such as, "I'm devoted to you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, no matter what problems come our way." The Truth. Physically...well, physically I can't keep my hands off him! I like it when we haven't seen in each other in a while, and when we do we're kinda shy at first, and we just sit really close to each other and brush arms...but then I'll suddenly put my arm around him and snuggle. After that, you can't tear me away...I love holding his hand, and I'll pull him into a long hug whenever I can. We don't kiss that much...which is why when I do kiss him, he should know it's because I can't get enough of him. I would LIKE to show him how much I love him by letting go of what self-consciousness I have regarding my nude body and giving him the best sex he'll ever have! (Although, if I'm the only one he ever sexes up, I'll only hope it'll get better and better.)
15. You know a guy loves you when he....
Confides in me. And doesn't want to change me. And accepts my past.
17. What sorts of behaviours are total no-nos for guys looking for love?
Clinginess, whinyness, seems to hate himself, has very high standards, and has a record of violent behaviour.
18. How long should a guy wait to move to the "next base" with you? [Here is the field for you: "first base" is kissing, "second base" is touching you in your girly spots, "third base" is any other sexual activity besides intercourse, and "home" is, of course, the Full Monty, All the Way, the grand S-E-X.] You may divide the categories into sub-categories if you’d like [i.e., under kissing: pecking, then smooching, then frenching, then just sucking face].
I think it really depends on how stable the relationship starts off and progresses. EY and I got to second base the same day we got to first, and we're bound to get to the last two the next chances we get. But I would only let it happen because I know our love is deeper than JUST sexual stuff. (In all honesty, I'm the type who, if I wasn't in a monogamous relationship, would have casual sex...but I am in a monogamous relationship, and when it comes to those, you should just do it when You Know you're ready...which I am confident we are.)
19. What are some simple but effective ways for a guy to show you his love?
Kissing me when I least expect it (a kiss is never unwelcome, and he shouldn't feel shy!), and gazing at me adoringly when I know I look like shit. There are lots of other things, but I'm just in the mood to name those.
20. Finally, what piece of advice would you give to a guy with severe relationship and intimacy issues of any sort [clinginess, heartbreak, high-maintenance, prudeness, etc.]?
Believe me, if you don’t love yourself first in a non-conceited way, us girls can sense that, and we will wonder why, and if it’s because you know that you’re not that great. We love confidence. We love security. Don’t be overly macho, but be true to yourself. If you’re a stranger to yourself to find love, you won’t find it: you’ll only find an imposterous relationship with tension. Not everybody is going to like you. But somebody will. I promise.
1. First of all, what kind of girl are you? I hate to use the cliched stereotypes, but under which social group would you place yourself [preppy, nerdy, rebellious, etc.]? What are your hobbies and interests?
I guess I qualify as a "nerd", though that label seems to be so broad that I should not even bother leaving it at that. I shop anywhere that has cheap clothes that I think are cute. (Also, my definition of "cute" is also broad...I like clothes from all over the spectrum, from preppy to punky; I dress according to mood, or according to day.) I'm interested in writing, of course. And, suprisingly to some, I no longer have much interest in politics. In fact, I simply don't give a shit about any of the issues anymore, except maybe abortion, which I support for a variety of inarguable reasons (heh, but that view is subjective of course). I am torn between adulthood and childhood; I have what my friend Catie calls the "Peter Pan Complex"...I don't want to grow up. And yet, I am growing up, and I can feel maturity setting in more and more by the day. I might major in marketing and go into publishing as a career, though I might become a full-time author if my writing career really kicks off. Oh, and I'm quite shy. It may not seem so over the internet, because this is the place where I can just let myself go and don't have to make eye contact. But in person, I just sit and observe with a small but genuine smile on my face. Oh, and I'm very open about my sexuality.
2. Physically, what do you first notice about a potential boyfriend?
This is a tough question. And I don't like the way I worded it. Just because I think someone is cute doesn't mean they have any boyfriend potential. Anyway, it really depends on the person, because nobody looks the same, and different features appeal to me in different people. For instance, I never really noticed arm muscles until I wrapped my hands around those of my boyfriend's, and I drool over his arms. I don't really check people out anyway...I know that sounds ridiculous but I don't...I already found what I'm looking for. hehehe.
3. Personally, what qualities do you look for in a potential boyfriend?
It seems that shyness seems to be a pattern in guys I generally have found attractive throughout my life, though there are indeed different types of shyness. I like the kind where he's modest, and it's incredibly cute when he refuses to make eye contact. However, I draw the line at him being so shy they can't open up to me... Friendliness is a must. The nicer the better. And I love a sense of humour. And what's even sexier is a shy boy who is also incredibly funny, and quite vulgar and crude around his close knit of friends. A laid-back boy.
4. What are your turn-ons and turn-offs?
Turn-ons: shyness, friendliness, living in the moment, nice arm muscles, shirtless (HA!), has an ability to talk dirty and make great cyber sex (as well as real sex, though I don't really know much about that yet...unfortunately), sensitive, funny, trusting and honest, and not judgmental. Turn-offs: mean, boring, uptight, likes dirty politics, very religious and/or politically conservative (moderately is fine, but not so much that it makes him intolerant of those who believe differently), can't open up to me, "bad boy" (I just don't like the "rebel without a cause" thing, and tattoos and mohawks don't do it for me), too much of a pushover (my boyfriend and I are both huge pushovers, and I do admit we're both flawed in this area), holds grudges, and jealous.
5. Where would you recommend a guy to draw the line between way too clingy and not there enough? Describe in as much detail as possible.
Way too clingy: see him almost every day outside an academic setting, needs to talk to me every minute, expects me to ditch previously made plans with friends for a last-minute get-together with him. Not there enough: doesn't call me back after a day, doesn't try to communicate with me at least once or twice a day, don' t see him very much or at all outside an academic setting, no alone time whatsoever, seems to have better things to do than talk to me. (He needs some work on this one...=/)
6. If you had, in your eyes, the hottest guy you’ve ever seen, what would he have to do to make you break up with him?
I do have the hottest guy I've ever seen! Heh. But...I would break up with him for similar reasons that I would with any other guy...actually, that isn't true. If, for instance, he cheated on me (I'm absolutely sure this WON'T happen however; I have 100% trust in him), the circumstances would depend; if he actually had a relationship with this other girl, it would have to end, but if it was a spontaneous hook-up, I'd try to find some way to get us through it (assuming he wants to work it out). It's kind of hard to answer this when I'm in love with him...if I wasn't in love with him, I'd probably get so jealous I'd just dump him on the spot, regardless. But that isn't the case.
7. If a rather unattractive guy was interested in you, what qualities would he have to have so that you would consider dating him? [Besides money, people...]
I'd probably have to be friends with him for a while first. A few times, I have found myself getting turned on by people I initially found unattractive, but after getting to know them very well, I'd find we're actual quite compatible, and I look past his flaws and see only the beauty in him. It's cheesy I suppose. (Note: I have never found my current love unattractive. I just didn't really notice his hotness until later, heh.)
8. Describe the ideal date [the activities, not the guy himself].
These are so hard to answer. My answer to this one is, really, anywhere, as long as he's there. Okay, I draw the line at places like "grandma's bedroom" or "in an alleyway" (actually, that one doesn't sound too bad...). The perfect date with him, I suppose, would be...spending the day with him in a social setting with friends, and then taking him back to my house to make love. :D Really, it just doesn't matter. Maybe I'm not being picky because I don't see him much...
9. What do you consider to be romantic?
Falling in love with somebody and feeling that way until the day you die (it's even more romantic if the love is unreturned, but I would rather not experience that personally.)
10. How do you feel about chivalry? When is it and when isn’t it appropriate?
I think most girls will agree with me when I say that it depends on the setting: in a casual setting, such as movie theatre or dining out to some informal restaurant or something like that, chivalry is to be put aside. I know perfectly well how to open the car door, thankyouverymuch, and I fucking TOLD you I would pay for myself; don’t INSIST on paying for me, because I feel uncomfortable about it, and please don’t make me tense. And fucking christ, what am I gonna do with those flowers? Is it my wedding or something? Maybe if it's just one that you picked along the way and thought it'd look nice in my hair. But that's it I feel the same way even in formal settings. I'm not a huge feminist, but I can do things for myself, even though I'm a woman (heh).
11. In what manner would you like a guy to ask you out?
If I really like the dude, I don't really care, as long as it happens. Actually, if he asked a friend to do it for him, I wouldn't really like that. I liked the cute and shy way EY asked me. He did that avoiding eye contact thing and had the sexiest shy smile I've ever seen. I also liked that I knew it was coming by the way he sat next to me and kinda had his hand on my leg minutes before, so I could prepare myself (and because I gave him my phone number the day before and he called me and we giggled nervously over the phone...oh, and a friend told me it was probably going to happen).
12. What kinds of activities would you and your ideal boyfriend do on a regular basis? What kinds of things would you talk about? How often would you see each other?
Uh, I dunno. We'd do whatever we're both in the mood for...it'd probably involve hanging out with our friends a lot. Or maybe going to the movies. Simple things...it just doesn't really matter to me, as long as we're both having fun. IDEALLY, we would have solo dates at least once every two weeks, but that probably isn't going to happen anytime soon. =/
13. How do you know when you’re in love?
Oh jeez. So many things to say but so few ways to say it. Um...because I trust the crap outta him, and have never been happier with anyone else. He doesn't make me want to be mean; whereas I was abusive as fuck in past relationships, the only thing I want to make him feel is happy, and I don't like it when I upset him...I wrote a blog about this a couple months ago. See that.
14. When you know you’re in love, how do you express it to your guy, verbally, physically, and any other way?
Verbally...well I tell him, of course. Our cutesy way of saying it is "i lovery u (insert ridiculous pet name here)", but when I suddenly feel overwhelmed with love for him, I just flat out say, "I love you so much". I'll also say things such as, "I'm devoted to you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, no matter what problems come our way." The Truth. Physically...well, physically I can't keep my hands off him! I like it when we haven't seen in each other in a while, and when we do we're kinda shy at first, and we just sit really close to each other and brush arms...but then I'll suddenly put my arm around him and snuggle. After that, you can't tear me away...I love holding his hand, and I'll pull him into a long hug whenever I can. We don't kiss that much...which is why when I do kiss him, he should know it's because I can't get enough of him. I would LIKE to show him how much I love him by letting go of what self-consciousness I have regarding my nude body and giving him the best sex he'll ever have! (Although, if I'm the only one he ever sexes up, I'll only hope it'll get better and better.)
15. You know a guy loves you when he....
Confides in me. And doesn't want to change me. And accepts my past.
17. What sorts of behaviours are total no-nos for guys looking for love?
Clinginess, whinyness, seems to hate himself, has very high standards, and has a record of violent behaviour.
18. How long should a guy wait to move to the "next base" with you? [Here is the field for you: "first base" is kissing, "second base" is touching you in your girly spots, "third base" is any other sexual activity besides intercourse, and "home" is, of course, the Full Monty, All the Way, the grand S-E-X.] You may divide the categories into sub-categories if you’d like [i.e., under kissing: pecking, then smooching, then frenching, then just sucking face].
I think it really depends on how stable the relationship starts off and progresses. EY and I got to second base the same day we got to first, and we're bound to get to the last two the next chances we get. But I would only let it happen because I know our love is deeper than JUST sexual stuff. (In all honesty, I'm the type who, if I wasn't in a monogamous relationship, would have casual sex...but I am in a monogamous relationship, and when it comes to those, you should just do it when You Know you're ready...which I am confident we are.)
19. What are some simple but effective ways for a guy to show you his love?
Kissing me when I least expect it (a kiss is never unwelcome, and he shouldn't feel shy!), and gazing at me adoringly when I know I look like shit. There are lots of other things, but I'm just in the mood to name those.
20. Finally, what piece of advice would you give to a guy with severe relationship and intimacy issues of any sort [clinginess, heartbreak, high-maintenance, prudeness, etc.]?
Believe me, if you don’t love yourself first in a non-conceited way, us girls can sense that, and we will wonder why, and if it’s because you know that you’re not that great. We love confidence. We love security. Don’t be overly macho, but be true to yourself. If you’re a stranger to yourself to find love, you won’t find it: you’ll only find an imposterous relationship with tension. Not everybody is going to like you. But somebody will. I promise.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Write What?
It has become apparent to me over the past couple of years that I am a failure when it comes to writing fiction. Sure, I can do it, but what I lack is commitment and discipline. When I was 12, I promised myself I would have a finished novel by the time I was 16. Okay, that didn't happen. So when, at 14, I realised that 16 was coming soon and I still had nothing, I promised myself by the time I graduate high school, I'll get something done. But that probably won't happen either.
Sadly, because I do feel this is a sad thing, I seem to write the best when it is about myself. Or maybe not just about myself - about life in general. About thoughts and real events. But seriously, who the hell wants to hear about that stuff from a young lil' chillun like me?
Perhaps my audience doesn't have to be...everyone. I could write for the demographic of kids my age. How often do you see non-fiction books on the shelves in the young adult section about being young in the 21st century (if you do, they are written, ironically, by people in the last generation)? Is it arrogant of me to assume that other kids my age want to read about my life? Well why the hell wouldn't they! They read about the lives of made-up adolescents in real-life situations (young adult authors like Sarah Dessen and Meg Cabot seem to be all about that). It wouldn't hurt to read a book knowing that the main character is actually out there living her life. Especially when it ends on a positive note. It lets them know that while there can be happy endings, but there can be happy middles too.
Great, I am inspired! It can be a compilation of essays and journal entries...and just my thoughts on random things here and there. Photos...doodles...just personal things. I'm excited! Now I have something to DO! (Oh crap...my summer reading English essay...still nothing done! Oh well!)
Sadly, because I do feel this is a sad thing, I seem to write the best when it is about myself. Or maybe not just about myself - about life in general. About thoughts and real events. But seriously, who the hell wants to hear about that stuff from a young lil' chillun like me?
Perhaps my audience doesn't have to be...everyone. I could write for the demographic of kids my age. How often do you see non-fiction books on the shelves in the young adult section about being young in the 21st century (if you do, they are written, ironically, by people in the last generation)? Is it arrogant of me to assume that other kids my age want to read about my life? Well why the hell wouldn't they! They read about the lives of made-up adolescents in real-life situations (young adult authors like Sarah Dessen and Meg Cabot seem to be all about that). It wouldn't hurt to read a book knowing that the main character is actually out there living her life. Especially when it ends on a positive note. It lets them know that while there can be happy endings, but there can be happy middles too.
Great, I am inspired! It can be a compilation of essays and journal entries...and just my thoughts on random things here and there. Photos...doodles...just personal things. I'm excited! Now I have something to DO! (Oh crap...my summer reading English essay...still nothing done! Oh well!)
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Not-So-Vitally-Important Updates
Darn! Once again, I have not been keeping up with my blogging. You would think that, because it is summer, there would be two blogs a day seeing as how I've got so much free time, but sadly, that's not how it is.
Lame excuse #1: I've been WANTING to write a blog, but I don't know what about. In fact, I haven't written much of anything lately, besides a few lame erotica stories (ha, but like I'll ever make those public). I'd promised myself I would get going on writing a novel this summer, but I broke it! I have gotten NOTHING done, novel-wise.
Lame excuse #2: Other things have been occupying me. I just got back from a 9-day trip to Michigan, during which there was no time at ALL to write a blog! And when I haven't been in Michigan, my parents have been a bit annoying about my computer time and think it should be limited. I usually wake up at 8:00 in the morning to chat with my boyfriend online and go back to sleep at around 11:00 before they know I was even on. Then I spend the day sleeping, watching TV, and pretending to do chores. At 8:00 at night, I get back on the chat and talk to my boyfriend some MORE, and once he signs off at around 10:00, I lazily cruise the internets, much too lazy to think up something for a blog.
Although June was hardly eventful - save the Michigan trip and seeing my partner ONCE - I still managed to find something "better" to do than blog. I'll try harder in July, but now I really do have excuses. For one, I applied for a job today as a hostess for my favorite restaurant, and I was hired on the spot. It will be full-time, so I really won't have much time for blogs. Plus, July seems to be party month. So many of my friends are having bashes, including myself. Oh yes, and there's the lame summer reading project I have to do for school. Procrastination FTW! Probably won't start on it till August.
A couple months ago, I think I posted a blog about a "feature" I planned on having called "Unhappy? Get The Fuck Over It". Obviously, that died as quickly as it was born. First of all, when I came up with the idea, I myself was hardly qualified to tell people how to stop being so miserable. Just the title of the feature is enough to tell you how, well, unqualified I was. No person qualified in the field of happiness would actually call their personal "self-help" blog feature "Get The Fuck Over It". It just...doesn't work that way. It shows impatience and lack of sympathy, and patience and sympathy are keys to happiness. Would you want an unhappy person to tell you how to be happy? It's bullshit, isn't it?
But now, I think I do qualify! Seriously, I've never been happier. Perhaps when I was 7 or something, but back then I was naive and didn't even face the full sets of problems that people have after they hit adolescence. It seems like I have realised things in my life that are keys to happiness which many people don't realise until their mid-life crisis, or maybe never. So I was thinking: maybe I should start a "self-help" feature that sort of goes into my ways of thinking. They're not very hard to apply (well, easy for me to say...if you're in a rut, it might be much harder; and I have to say, I have things quite easy) and can be applicable to anybody. Even though I'm a liberal atheist (key lesson one: that doesn't matter. Ever since I sorta gave up on thinking and overanalysing religion and politics, things got much simpler. "Atheist" seems to imply that I am still, I suppose, "active" in arguing with people about it. But I really, really couldn't care less anymore.), somebody else at the opposite side of the spectrum could follow them as well (with an open mind of course).
The name of this feature is certainly not going to be "Unhappy? Get The Fuck Over It." Thing is, I can't think of anything else. Suggestions? At least now I have something to blog about. However, it might take a bit longer, because these are things that I'll have to organise my thoughts for, then draft, then edit. But I enjoy the writing process, so I most certainly WILL keep my word because I now have a motive, and I'll chuck 'em out as often as I can.
And there you have it,
Kaytee.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Ethical
>Are you ethical?<
What race do you consider yourself?: The human race.Is there a stereotype for that race?: Not really, cuz people like to divide it up and stereotype THOSE. They don't focus on humanity as a whole.
Do you fit that stereotype?: What is the human stereotype?
Should unwanted animals in shelters be killed to make room?: Make room for more unwanted animals? Hm. I could say it is harsh, but it really depends on how overpopulated the area is of unwanted animals. As long as it's done "humanely".
Should cows should be killed for human food?: It's the circle of life. In 8th grade, I had a million arguments for vegetarianism, and that's all that's needed for a counterargument. But it should be done humanely.
Does the technique used to kill an animal matter to you?: Yes it does. I don't think it should be hung by a rope and have its neck sliced open while alive. Just shoot it in the head. Get it over with, for chrissake.
Should farmers be allowed to cause suffering in animals to save money?: I think just shooting them quickly and painlessly is cheap. So no, they shouldn't.
How about raising a calf confined in a crate to make veal?: It's pretty sad. And who needs veal? Jesus.
Should production of medicines be justification to cause animals to suffer?: I really don't know. If we don't test them on animals, then what DO we test them on? The animals should be cared for though. For cosmetics however, FUCK no. Superficial BS.
Should laboratories be allowed to repeat identical experiments on animals?: Not for cosmetics. An animal shouldn't suffer so someone can look good. But for medicine, it's probably necessary.
Should violence against animals; such as rodeos/ bullfights be legal?: Of course not.
Should Eskimos be allowed to kill whales because it was customary?: Not at all! For what purpose? Tradition? I hate tradition. What's more important, your culture, or the survival of an endangered species? Prioritise!
Should convenience outweigh the impact on the environment?: What? Well...I think people should use resources efficiently...
Should women be paid the same as men for the same work?: Of course.
Do you believe women are currently paid equally?: I'm not really sure. But I do think conditions for women in the workplace are improving, so I won't complain until ten years go by and it's still the same.
Do you believe that homosexuality is immoral?: Fuck no.
Should homosexuals be allowed to work with children?: Of course they should. Being near straight adults doesn't make a gay person any less gay.
Are organizations that promote gay rights necessary?: Yes, they are necessary, to raise awareness and provide emotional support for closeted gays who feel alone.
Do you believe homosexuality is caused by genetics?: I'm not entirely sure, but whatever it's caused by, just let it slide! It's not a conscious choice obviously. Who the hell would CHOOSE to be gay in this homophobic world?
Are you a democrat or republican?: Eh. Of those, Democrat.
Conservative or liberal?: Liberal
If uncertain: http://www.politicalcompass.org/test
Are Americans are truly free, or suffering from controlled freedom?: I don't think we are truly free, but I don't think we should be complaining. We got it pretty fucking good compared to many other countries.
Are there other countries that are offer more personal freedoms?: I'm not sure. I know Spain allows gay marriage, even though 90% of it is Catholic. But that's only one issue.
Do you trust your government?: Not really.
Do you believe lobbyists help or hurt our legal system?: I don't care.
Should religious beliefs should outweigh science in the making of laws?: FUCK no.
Should Police officers wear PD uniforms if off duty at security jobs?: No? Does it really matter?
Should a bill before congress be required to be kept to a single topic?: It depends.
Should legislative members have to affirm they read each bill before voting: Uh, well yeah, that would probably be best, lol.
Is the United States a Christian nation?: Although the majority of the population is Christian, and many of the founding father were as well, the nation was not meant to be governed by strictly Christian values.
Are more people, globally, Christian or non-Christian?: I think 33% of the world is Christian, somewhere around there. More people aren't Christian than they are, but that's still a pretty big percent.
Are there more Jews or Muslims in the world?: Muslims
Are most people in Northern Africa Muslim?: Yeah, I would guess they were.
Answers: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_religions
Should your child learn scientific theories of the origin of the universe?: They should. They're only theories. It's not like they're being told it's the truth.
Should religion be taught in public schools?: It shouldn't be preached. Learning about it is different obviously, but the curriculum should stay strictly neutral.
Which religion, and why?: None, thanks.
Would you be offended if your child learned Islamic beliefs in school?: I'd be offended if that was the only viewpoint they were expressing.
offended if your child learned the universe was created supernaturally?: If I have him in public school and he's learning that from teachers, then I would be ticked off as hell.
Should the government fund religious groups who practice evangelism?: With my tax money? No! Many of those people are cultists. Heh.
Should abortion be legal?: Heck yes.
Should contraception be taught in High Schools?: Yeah. It's not really my generation that's to blame for the high rate of teen pregnancy. It's the conservative motherfuckers who refuse to teach us about safe sex.
Should birth control be imposed on poor uneducated people?: What do you mean? Well I mean yeah, they should definitely learn about it...and use it...okay, yes it should. Heh.
hould birth control be provided, free of charge, by government programs?: Yep. It should.
Should parenting classes be required of first-time mothers?: I don't really think that would solve anything. It shouldn't be required. But if a woman wants to take it, go right ahead.
Should terminally ill and in pain be allowed to kill themselves?: Heck yes.
Is it acceptable to kill someone who is not endangering you?: For the reason of insatiable greed and in the name of violence? FUCK no. I hate that more than anything.
Is it acceptable to kill someone if you are a soldier and you are at war?: I do not think war is acceptable, and therefore I do not.
Is killing acceptable if the war is a dispute over land?: Just share it, goddamn it! Killing for any reason is retarded, unless you truly do need to defend yourself, which is only in reaction to a violent scumbag.
Is killing acceptable if the war is over possessions, such as oil?: NO. Humans are so goddamn dependent on it that they forget about the humanity of others.
Is killing acceptable if the war is over religious beliefs?: It's. Not. Acceptable.
Is killing acceptable if the war is over political policy?: Nope.
Do you believe there should be a death penalty?: Now this is a topic I'm not sure about. I need to think longer about it.
Should drug users who steal should be imprisoned, or treated for addiction?: Treated for addiction.
Should prisons have mandatory addiction treatment programs for addicts?: Well sure. What the hell else is there to do in prison? If you're gonna imprison them for something and then not show them the right way, it's pretty fucking ridiculous.
Should there be police who concentrate on white collar crime?: I don't know? Not really...
Should violent criminals and non-violent criminals be housed together?: I think the violent dudes should just...be isolated. Put em all on an island. Either they kill each other, or they work together to survive. Their problem now.
Should marijuana be legal and treated the same as alcohol?: It SHOULD be treated the same as alcohol! The effects are so similar. Besides, smoking pot is a petty crime. Just do away with it already. Criminalising it solves nothing.
Should possession of small quantities of marijuana be a criminal offense?: Psht, no. That's just stupid. People in America get arrested for such shit reasons. No wonder our jails and prisons are overpopulated.
In known drug locations: should police target drug users, or the seller?: Um. Well the seller, for taking advantage of the addicts for money.
Should alcohol be legal?: Um. Well, I suppose, though there should be restrictions. The age should also be around 25. 21 year olds still tend to act like fucking morons.
Should tobacco be legal?: Well sure, but I do think France's ban on public smoking makes a lot of sense. If you're killing yourself slowly, go right ahead. But I don't wanna go down with ya.
Should prostitution be legal?: Hm. It spreads diseases and causes more problems than it doesn't, so no.
What if prostitutes were tested & trained in STD prevention?: Then they wouldn't be prostitutes anymore, would they?
Should police target prostitutes or target their customers?: Well I mean, it's not like the prostitutes LIKE that lifestyle. Not the ones I've heard of anyway. They should be "targeted", but not punished. Just treated and counseled.
Is a plain clothed cop posing as a prostitute or a John entrapment?: No? Just let them do their job. They're out there to catch criminals, they can go about it however they please. As long as it's ethical. And I don't consider that unethical.
Should restaurants be required to meet nutritional standards in their food?: They shouldn't HAVE to. People can control what they stuff in their mouths.
Should restaurant health inspections be graded and posted at their entryway: Sure. That's only fair to the customers.
should you pay directly for police and fire services?: Pay? No! That's just...no!
Should you need insurance for fire and police services to pay your claims?: *eye roll*
Should you pay for police and fire services per incident?: WHAT THE HELL?! You get robbed, call the police to help you...and then get robbed by THEM? Baloney!
Do you believe you should pay directly for education through 12th grade?: NO! This country is stupid enough! Eduation is a human right! Some people can't afford it, but they still have the right to it.
Should parents pay per child per year for their education?: If they choose to put them in private schools. For public schools, fuck no.
I don’t have kids and never will. Should I pay taxes for schools?: Uh yeah, if we're all doing it. What, you want the generation to be full of idiots? Like it isn't already? Life isn't about money. Education is important.
Should you need insurance for education services to pay your claims?: *another eye roll* It seems people need insurance for EVERYTHING these days.
Should you pay directly for healthcare per service?: NO.
London Government Doctors earn 170,000.00 USD a year. Is that too little?: I don't...know. lol I'm not good at the money thing.
Should you need insurance for health care services to pay your claims?: EYE ROLL I TELL YOU.
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Monday, June 9, 2008
The Rules of Love
Everyone knows what unconditional love is; like the love of a mother for her child, whom despite all his or her wrongdoings she still loves. But this is not the kind of unconditional love that's on my mind right now. You can love unconditionally, but...under what conditions does love exist, especially romantic love? People often say things like, "You're too young to be in love," or, "You don't know what love is." But who is one person to define love? Why does it only apply under certain circumstances? How could I possibly say, "I'm in love with this person", for someone to retort, "Don't say that, there's no way you could love him," and not wonder if they truly know what they're talking about? I realise it is a loaded word. And I realise I am young. But love is universal and ageless. Love is the tears you shed for another human being, and the fireworks that go off in your head when you are kissed, and the light of the late afternoon that falls on a beautiful face. It's complicated, but overanalysed. It's a huge deal, but I wouldn't utter the infamous three-worded phrase unless I knew it was true.
Well I've always been a ginormous skeptic and cynic. But what I'm skeptical about is not what love is, but the qualifications of the people who claim to know what it is...and what it is not. You can't be qualified in love, and you know you're not when you tell somebody, "You're not in love." Anyone can feel it. At any time. Anywhere. Everyone experiences it differently, and just because somebody isn't experiencing it as you have, doesn't mean they aren't. Knowing that I myself can't be qualified, I will now proceed to define love for myself as it is to ME.
1. How can I tell when I'm in love? When I can't seem to remove the person from my mind no matter what I do, when I smile and wonder if my S/O is smiling as well, when I have a funny experience and can't wait to share it with him, when I make this person's happiness as important as my own, when I - typically repulsed by PDA - see a couple sharing an intimate moment and smile whilst imagining myself in their place with my partner, when their every flaw becomes a turn-on in my eyes, when I look into his eyes and become light-headed, when I flush every time he stands close, when our conversations are full of "me toos!" and "I totally know what you means!", when every moment spent together is like a taste of Heaven, when I would rather kiss his lips forever than spend a day with Freddie Mercury - that's when I know it's love.
2. When is it too early to say "I love you"? I don't know when it's "too early", but I know that when I feel the above things, be it after a couple weeks or after five years, the time is right. Love is timeless. It can happen in the blink of an eye, or it can bloom slowly as things happen - you may not be in love now, but the love for the person you haven't yet fallen for is still there. If somebody tells me they love me, I examine the words objectively and wonder about their intentions. I'd be able to tell if they weren't telling the truth and just wanted to get into my pants.
3. Love vs. lust. "It isn't love, it's just infatuation." But don't you get it? Love and lust go hand in hand! Obviously there are times when you look at somebody and they're so hot you want to sex them up no strings attached, but only an idiot would mistake that for love! I am not a believer in love at first sight, because there's no way I could feel everything I described in topic one upon first meeting a person. But once time passes, and my heart begins to beat only for them, I know I'm in love. YEAH, I want to jump their bones. YEAH, I want to violate them in every way imaginable (not right away of course, but someday). But lust is VITAL in a romantic relationship. How is love romantic without lust? It's not infatuation when I want to spend every waking moment in my S/O's arms. Infatuation is short-lived passion and attraction. But what is "short-lived"? The moment before it becomes long-lived, that's what. And long-lived happens when you fall in love, whenever it may occur.
4. Young love. One of the most annoying things ON THE PLANET is somebody telling me that I'm too young to be in love. When does "love" become legitimate? Upon your 18th birthday? When the government says so? When your frontal lobe is fully developed, thus giving you the mind of an adult? Why does it matter the stage of life I'm in? If what I'm experiencing is "teen love", it's still LOVE nonetheless. It grows and buds and flowers just as "mature" love does (also, given a look at the high divorce rate, it doesn't seem like teen love and "mature" love are much different - the same old drama experienced by different generations. People can fall in love and be confused about love at any time in their life). Throw age out the window, folks. Love is an everyone thing.
To make a long story short, "the rules of love" DO NOT EXIST. They are not applicable, because there is nothing to apply except open-mindedness. I've experienced puppy love when I was seven (that one lasted a while, haha), I'm experiencing teen love now, and most likely, I will be experiencing so-called "mature" love when I'm fifty. But trash those damn labels. Love doesn't come in species. It comes with individuality, because it varies from person to person. This is my love. It will be undermined, it will be challenged, it will be scrutinized, but it will be love just the same.
I know it's real.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Old Stuff Collection: The Doorway
One of my personal favorites, The Doorway was mostly inspired by the deaths of both my grandfathers, which occurred in a period of a mere couple months. Before I continue, let me say now that if I am ever in a situation in which I can no longer use my brain efficiently and my body serves no purpose, please let me go. One thing I am very curious about is the afterlife and whether or not there even is one. I would sooner find out myself than live on life-support in a vegetative state. Kaytee is playful and active and hyper and cheerful, not comatose and mindless.
The Doorway
I'm standing in the doorway
That separates life from death
My foot's about to cross the line
And I'm taking my last breath
My unconscious body
Lies sick in my bed
Yet thoughts of going on
Are passing through my head
People around me are crying
To see me in such pain
But really I'm perfectly fine
I can't feel a thing
In the doorway souls line up behind me
Waiting for their turn
Saying their last prayers
And being proud of all they learned
Waiting for their turn
Saying their last prayers
And being proud of all they learned
Well my last minute's finally ending
I'm halfway across the line
With a smile I take a step
I'm halfway across the line
With a smile I take a step
Inhale for the last time...
Old Stuff Collection: Candlelight
Candlelight was written in seventh grade. It was another weekend spent at my grandmother's house in Houston, in her forested neighborhood with pristine lawns and ridiculously beautiful homes. Especially in my dreamy preteen days, being there has always inspired me and, in fact, most of my better poetry was written there. I sat at the ovalesque table in her rarely-used dining room at midnight, the chandelier lights dimmed, the only one awake in the house. The poem tells the life story of a candle...and how its life was similar to mine (well, the ending doesn't end on a happy note, but I was feeling a bit down that night, I suppose).
Candlelight
Alone
I sit and watch the shining
Of the candlelight
Flickering before my eyes
Enlightening my soul
I sit and watch the shining
Of the candlelight
Flickering before my eyes
Enlightening my soul
Flames
The heat is like passion
I once felt
But as each day passes
The heat is like passion
I once felt
But as each day passes
It dims
Shadows
The light grows fainter and fainter
The light grows fainter and fainter
As does my heart's glow
The tip of the stem is black
Wax slowly rolls down like thick tears
The tip of the stem is black
Wax slowly rolls down like thick tears
Shrinking
The stick melts before my eyes
As the fire dies out
In a matter of minutes
The life of this candle will terminate
The stick melts before my eyes
As the fire dies out
In a matter of minutes
The life of this candle will terminate
Darkness
The room is still
And so is my body
No one yet knows the candle burnt out -
The room is still
And so is my body
No one yet knows the candle burnt out -
The candle that is me.
Old Stuff Collection: Wild-Dreamer In Love
I'm going to keep a collection of writings called "Old Stuff", and it's pretty self-explanatory. It consists of things I have written long ago, specifically in middle school, when I wrote a lot of poetry (some bad, some alright). The first OS I want to share is Wild-Dreamer In Love, because although I don't think it's that great, it's the poem that ultimately defines my way of thinking back in the day. I was emotional, romantic, and dreamy, and I've always been a wild-dreamer, though the love thing comes and goes. My sn was wilddreamer_in_luv for the longest time, until I changed it to wilddreamer_luv_freddie.
Yes, there was somebody on my mind when I wrote it. But that somebody doesn't matter anymore. If I had written it today, it'd be for a certain black gamer that I know. ;)
Wild-Dreamer In Love
His arm beneath my neck
I lean my head on his chest
And look at the sea of stars above
Wishing this moment could last forever
I lean my head on his chest
And look at the sea of stars above
Wishing this moment could last forever
My thoughts and imagination
Are soaked up the dark purple sky
Blending with his
Let loose into the universe
Are soaked up the dark purple sky
Blending with his
Let loose into the universe
As I listen to the steady rhythm of his beating heart
I smile at the fact that it is he I met
And not some other guy
Because he is my sole reason for living
I smile at the fact that it is he I met
And not some other guy
Because he is my sole reason for living
Slowly and gently, he leans over and in
Cupping my face in his hands
First tracing my features with his fingers
Then embraces me into a slow, passionate kiss
Cupping my face in his hands
First tracing my features with his fingers
Then embraces me into a slow, passionate kiss
In that instant, all the unsaid words were said
All the passion an emotion revealed
Everything made clear
And meaningful, it it wasn't all before
All the passion an emotion revealed
Everything made clear
And meaningful, it it wasn't all before
Yet he didn't just kiss me, his lips told me
A deep dark secret
Hidden amidst his soul
Telling me his whole story in that once embrace
A deep dark secret
Hidden amidst his soul
Telling me his whole story in that once embrace
It seemed like a fairy-tale
Though it was the most real thing I felt
But what would I know,
Though it was the most real thing I felt
But what would I know,
For I am just a wild-dreamer in love.
End note: "B" would be nice....
Monday, May 26, 2008
Sorry For My Abandonment
It's been a couple of weeks since I posted a blog, so I just wanted to update it. I'm writing a...synopsis thing for a novel, though it's not quite a synopsis. It doesn't really spend any time at all summarising the plot of the story; contrarily, it just describes the society in which the character lives from different aspects. Societal aspects are the most interesting, but I'm not having so much fun with the economics, and so kind of just...stopped. I'll finish eventually but...not now. Last night, Selena and Catie came over for a Dan Banks reunion. Dan Banks is a mock newscast show that was born near the end of 8th grade. The first Dan Banks segment ever recorded wasn't actually Dan Banks, per se, but a character which inspired him. I was recording an interview with myself for an application to Comm Arts, and the reporter was a mustachio'd man with a charismatic persona. At a later time, we gave the reporter a name, and started a newscast, which is more like a drama.
The main crew is just Selena, Catie and I, though sometimes we have guests. Selena is the camera-woman, named Wakachakamaka, who has a small script but is still a tad crucial to the "plot" (which is just random bullshit). Catie changes roles, from a south Asian princess named Shapalapadingdong to the weather reporter, Sascha Bedingfield. And I am the almighty Dan Banks, a closeted yet flamboyant bisexual male reporter who has a wide array of comical facial expressions (as well as a huge collection of mustache-styles, from a huge bushy "comb" to a Hitler-esque whisker patch).
Because of communication troubles and friendship fallouts, we were unable to film a segment for over a year, but made plans to reunite. And the results? The most obscure but best Dan Banks episode yet. It is, in fact, so inappropriate and perverted that my mom knocked on the door and told us angrily to keep it down and to "have more respect", since she could hear everything we were saying and was deeply offended by it (well, isn't that the point?).
In other news, 10th grade is going to end in about a week and I'm relieved that summer is finally approaching. This summer, I think I might wear my first-ever bikini (I've just been losing weight...I seriously don't give a crap about it, but it's coming off regardless), and I will also have my first-ever job, and my first-ever car. However, it might just as well be my last-ever summer, because I might not make it out of junior year alive.
I am officially fucked, eh?
And there you have it,
Kaytee
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
In A Silver Valley
In a silver valley,
Under purple skies,
Where stars hang in the air,
Like immobile fireflies,
-
An umber stag bows his head
An umber stag bows his head
To taste the dewy grass
And draws back with much displeasure,
For the weed has turned to gas.
-
Woozy and befuddled,
Woozy and befuddled,
He squints through all the brume
To find the vegetation
Has all but been consumed.
-
Mist clouds his beady eyes
Mist clouds his beady eyes
As he stumbles all around
And with a draw of toxic air,
The stag crumbles to the ground.
-
But in this silver valley,
But in this silver valley,
Where the skies cloud with debris,
Where stars refuse to twinkle
For their corrosive enemy,
-
All life has yet to perish
All life has yet to perish
‘Cause through the haze emerge
Several erect figures,
Each inarguably a scourge.
-
They jab the stag’s thick carcass,
They jab the stag’s thick carcass,
Seemingly impassive;
Thoughtless of the devastation
They’ve caused, however massive.
-
And then these men construct,
And then these men construct,
For their insatiable greed,
Strip malls, highways, theatres,
Forcing nature to concede.
-
In a once silver valley,
Victim of pitch and plunder,
A stag's head hangs upon a wall
To watch his world be torn asunder.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
It's This Simple.
A Deep Look Within
Describe your personality.: Lately, I've been optimistic and extremely playful, living life in the moment.
Define what beauty means to you.: Uh....well beauty is subjective, and the saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" is quite true.
Describe your appearance overall.: On the chubby side, short light brown hair, black-framed glasses, freckled.
Describe your current appearance.: Well...I'm wearing a shirt with an elephant on it...jeans...glasses...and I look as I do every day, except it's one in the morning.
Name a pet peeve.: Adults who think that teenagers think they know everything. See: my mother.
Find your perfect place. Describe it.: Jacuzzis, man. Jacuzzis.
What is the relationship like with your friends?: With Selena...we know ALMOST everything about each other. We have our arguments. Ha. I'm usually very nice to my other friends, unless I'm in a bad mood.
Inner peace comes one step at a time. Name a step.: Uh. Well realising that thing about subjective beauty. I think. And also using logic to solve your problems, and not kidding yourself about stuff.
Think about or dream up your significant other. Describe their aura.: I don't really know...he's very friendly. Ha, I'm not good at this aura crap.
What value do you believe in most?: Uh. I don't know. Um...my Christian values. HAHA! Just kidding. Dude, I don't even know. They change according to my mood.
Look into your own eyes for a second. What do you see?: Okay. Let's do this. I see...green, and behind that, a mind that is currently in sync with appearance...ratty. HAHAHA. Nah.
Describe your smile.: It depends on whether or not I am bloated. I am currently NOT bloated, so my smile is small and way too sweet. "Cute". But when I'm bloated...it's HIDEOUS!!! HAAAA!!
Who or what do you live for?: Freddie Mercury. And also writing. And shit like that.
Describe your family.: Huge and diverse. My mom's side is mostly a bunch of white Catholic people, except some are liberal and some aren't. My dad's side: LOTS of different personalities.
Define music.: To be honest, most of it sucks, but that's only because I listen to Queen in depth, and EVERYTHING sucks compared to Queen.
What's the most important lesson you've learned in your life?: I wish I knew the answer, but I don't. I'll just say...that some people have their reasons for believing in something, and some don't, and I should assume the first...at first
Describe your culture.: Uh. "American". Well, I've got a lot of European influence. The culture I am most familiar with is Mexican culture and American culture.
Describe your quirks.: Wow, I have a million. My laugh is definitely quirky. Everything about me is a fucking quirk. Ask anyone. And I'm proud of it. Well, most of it.
What's the most important lesson /anyone/ should learn?: Nah, I don't know. I think little kids should realise that they're very lucky since they're experiencing the best times of their lives.
Name a destination you want to arrive to.: Uh. A physical destination? Garden Lodge.
Look up towards the sky. What word comes to your mind?: Ironically, "God" does, even though I don't believe in god. Sky is just a godly thing. Ha.
Define love.: Love is when all of your obsessions are undermined by a particular person or thing, which you aren't obsessed with. Heh. When I love somebody more than Freddie Mercury.
What's the best advice you can give the generation of tomorrow?: Be logical at all times. Also, be skeptical of all that you believe in. And adults aren't as smart as they let on. Don't fuck humanity over. My generation has done enough.
What's the best way to describe how you love as an individual?: Wow. Like, romantic love? Dude, I can't answer this question. It's one of those things I just can't answer.
Define home.: Somewhere I WANT to live. Like Selena's house. Or my room.
What keeps people from appreciating life?: Seeing the bad sides of EVERYTHING and not connecting enough with nature. Sounds a lot like me.
Define peace.: No need nor want to cause trouble, or be involved in it. Loving yourself and everybody around you.
How do you see the world?: As a beautiful thing that is dying slowly and painfully.
How do you wish you saw the world?: As a beautiful thing that will survive its unfortunate human infestation. Ha.
How would you like to live?: A little less selfish and pessimistic, definitely.
Are you an introvert or extrovert?: Intro-extrovert. Extremely shy around family/strangers/mere acquaintances. INSANELY LOUD AND OUTGOING with friends and people I'm naturally comfortable with.
What's one of the biggest issues you're going through currently?: Currently? Probably the fact that my mom is an ageist bitch who undermines my humanity and intelligence because of my teendom.
Overall, what do you believe in?: Not much. I DON'T believe in god, miracles, love at first sight, one "true love", and a whole bunch of other things. I am by nature a non-believer.
What defines your beauty as an individual?: This is cliche, but I'll say my imagination. It's true though.
Who are the three most trusted people you know?: Selena; Freddie Mercury, except he's dead, and so of course he won't betray me. Except by, of course, being dead; I'm not sure there is a third.
Would you ever wait for somebody for years?: It depends on the context.
Do you believe in a higher power?: No sir.
If you do, do you stand in awe of this higher power?: If there is one, I can't say I'd be very impressed. It's pretty despotic and cruel and contradictory.
What is the worst type of pain?: The pain of causing intense emotional pain to somebody I care about. I'm not even kidding.
What people would you take to live on a private island with you?: That are alive...Selena...and that's pretty much it. I think. I might enjoy a few visits from other friends.
Have you had sexual intercourse?: Yep.
Do you enjoy having sexual intercourse?: Well, it's only occurred once, but...I'm sure that if I did have it more often, I would.
If you had to have sexual intercourse with a musician of choice, who?: Freddie Mercury, what the fuck kind of question is that? DUH.
If you had to have sexual intercourse with an actor/actress of choice, who?: Oh jesus. Uh....dude. Does The Amazing Atheist count? I mean, he's not acting, and he's only YouTube but still. He's so fucking....sexy?
Define good and evil.: Good is love and peace, evil is destruction and hurt. Unless it's destruction of evil.
Define knowledge.: Lack of ignorance.
Define consciousness.: Awake, but unaware. It makes sense actually. When you're awake, your mind is too busy to be aware of simple things. It's when you're subconscious that things hold more meaning
Do we have a free-will, or are we governed by fate?: Free will, dude. Fate is yet another thing I don't believe it.
If actions are stronger than words, why is the pen mightier than the sword?: Wow, I've never heard that before. It's beautiful. Probably because the pen knows the truth, whereas the sword only pokes at the obvious.
Would you kill one person to save a thousand?: Sure. It depends on who it is though. If it were a stranger...yep. Someone I love very dearly...nope. Me....indeed.
Love or money, which is better?: Uh. Love, as embarrassing as it is to admit. HA!
If you could describe a perfect life with just three words, what would they: Difficult question. Unignorant, seeing, and spiritual. I'm not very spiritual, but I can imagine it must be great. I should try being Buddhist again.
Is it wrong to love yourself?: On the contrary, it's wrong to NOT love yourself. It's when you don't love yourself that you don't love anybody else.
How do you gain wisdom and knowledge?: By logic and rationality, my friend. That's ALL. IT. BOILS. DOWN. TO.
If you found out the meaning of life, would you share it for free, keep it: Uh. Share it with people who deserve to know it. Unless it isn't very important, and isn't very happy-making either.
Is the human race essentialy good?: Hm. Well. No, I don't think it is. The majority of people I have met are "good", but evil is toxic and the best of people can have bad, but the worst of people can lack good.
Does wisdom come with age or experience?: Experience, dude. FUCK age. Seriously, I'm not even kidding when I say that I am probably wiser than my mom. She is just another human who DOESN'T USE LOGIC!!!!!!
Do all questions have an answer?: Yes, but many of them we can't find. Well, wait a minute. Okay, yes, they do.
Is it good to know your enemies or better to believe you have none?: Yeah, probably to know them, or you might get stabbed in the back. Ignorance is NOT bliss, you idiots.
Are you important? Do you really matter?: DUDE, I LOVE YOU, AND I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT THIS. Probably not to the world, but I matter to SOMEBODY, and I contribute SOMETHING, so I am.
If you could change gender for one day, would you do it?: Uh, why not? I'm pretty tomboyish as it is.
What is the difference between meek and weak?: Toughie. I'll say that while the weak are always meek, the meek aren't always weak. Actually, the weak AREN'T always meek!! Wow. Truly a toughie.
Do you think that physical pleasures and material drives are evil?: Uh, no. Orgasms aren't evil, I don't care what anybody says. Material drives...maybe. It depends. But dude, physical pleasures exist for a reason.
Do you believe that we are born into original-sin?: I don't believe in "sin". And what even IS "original sin".
Who or what is the biggest enemy of the mankind?: Nature...though I'll also say that mankind is the biggest enemy of mankind. I'm not even kidding.
Are we obsessed with all the wrong things in this world?: Sometimes. Then again, obsession can't be healthy. I should know.
What tree are you?: If I were a tree, I would probably be that big one in my front yard with allll the leaves. One that can hide, but isn't hidden.
What animal are you?: I have no idea. Probably a guard dog - loyal to the people it trusts, but snarling at the people it doesn't like.
What motor vehicle are you?: Ah, fuck. I dunno. Don't care enough.
Who's your favorite philosopher?: Siddhartha Guatama. In other words, the Buddha.
What is the reason for punishment?: Doing something that people socially "above" you disapprove of...even if it's not wrong. They're just fuckers.
What is your concept about life after death?: Don't believe it. Ha. I just believe we just...die, and don't exist. Which sucks, dude. It's a scary thought.
Is education the filling of a pail, or the lighting of a fire?: I guess...lighting of a fire.
Does the walker choose the path, or the path the walker?: The walker chooses the path, but after many paths choose the walker. It depends on your mindset and strength.
What are you grateful for today?: I'm grateful that I'm not a stupid dumb-ass who doesn't know how to think for herself, that's what.
Do you consider yourself as a philosopher?: Yes.
Do you believe that man has a soul?: No
Are you a perpetual consumer, or can you get by with little?: I am a consumer, dude.
Has your mind changed about right and wrong? As you got older?: Well...it hasn't flipped completely, but my perception of right and wrong just became more in depth and matured. And logical. I've cast some things aside.
Do you consider yourself better than the next person?: Well of course, it depends on the next person.
Can a fact be false?: Well if it's false, it isn't fact. For instance, I know for a fact god doesn't exist, but if I am false, it is no longer a fact, nor has it ever been one.
What would you choose to do if you were not afraid?: Tell a great deal of people off, when usually I hold my tongue.
What one thing would make this day better for you?: I would really like to get out of the house.
Does everything in the world have an opposite?: Let's see. I don't believe it does. What is the opposite of tit? Non-tit? Ass? I don't think so. Message me if I'm wrong.
How free do you think that you are as a person?: We're all free to do as we wish, but it comes with consequences, regardless of how unjust it is.
Define "Race".: A competition in which one party strives to reach a goal or destination before another party. A species. Humanity isn't divided into races, it IS a race, dammit. Fuck you!
Do you prefer the idea of free will to that of fate?: Fuck yeah.
When are we grown up?: When reality suddenly becomes sharp and in focus. I've grown up (well, I think so...my mom would argue), and I'm not kidding when I say that I remember seeing everything prior with a fuzz at the edges.
Do you honour your father and mother?: Meh, that relationship is kinda bogus. As of now, I respect my father more. He hasn't really done anything to betray my trust or insult my worth.
Do you love your siblings?: Uh, no.
What is most needed in the world right now?: LOGIC!!!!!! VISION!!!!! MOTIVE!!!
Are there universal standards for all humanity?: I'll say there are a couple, and they're quite simple and agreeable. One, everybody is vulnerable to something. Two, The Golden Rule, dude. Even though I break it sometimes.
What is your current profession?: I am not "professional" at anything, but I will say that I am a writer.
Have you ever tasted your tears?: Yes
When was the last time that you cried?: Hm. I don't really remember....it's been a while.
What talent would you like to possess?: I know this sounds lame, but I would like to be a good singer, or a good pianist. Not for fame, but just because I love that sorta shit.
Have you ever been betrayed by a friend?: Yep.
Have you ever known someone who commited suicide?: I'm not sure. It'd suck if I did and I forgot. Ouch.
Which cartoon character would make a good president?: Ha! Well...I don't watch cartoons, except Family Guy, and the Petoria one was a bit worrying. HA! If life was better, Peter's presidency would be beneficial.
What would you do if your best friend told you they were homosexual?: Be surprised since I'm pretty fucking sure that if she was, she would have come out to me, since I came out to HER in 6th fucking grade. Then I'd get used to it.
Are you fo or against the death penalty?: Uh. Against, I think. I just think that the person killing somebody for a vicious crime should be the person seeking revenge. Even though vengeance is so not my thing.
Do you think polygamy should be made legal in the United States of America?: If it's between two consenting adults, fuck yeah. Although, I think "adult" should go down to fifteen, or at least sixteen.
At what age do you think a person is ready to begin having sex?: It depends on the person. When they're mature enough to be responsible. If you forget the condom, you're not ready, bitch. I'm 15, and more than ready. Maybe.
What physical trait usually attracts the opposite sex?: I'll say boobs. Except when you have that, other physical qualities become important. I've got huge tits, and yet guys aren't knocking my door down. I just "don't got it". Ha.
What is your favorite quote?: "Now there's more to do than watch my sailboat glide, and every day can be my magic carpet ride."
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