We All Fall Down...Like Toy Soldiers

One of my addictions is Yahoo! Answers. Many of my friends think it's pathetic, but I like it because...well, I dunno, it's just fun to answer questions. The sections I take most part in are "Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transsexual," "Religion and Spirituality," and "Psychology." I love being a counselor. Tonight, one young girl asked the Answers community how she could overcome depression. So I thought about my battle with depression. And I told her. It was a novel-length answer and some didn't even fit, but I think she'll get the gist. So here's what I said, in case anybody else has the same question she does and miraculously stumbles upon my blog:

Holy crap, I just typed a long response and I accidentally deleted all of it. I'm pretty mad, but I'm going to try again. lol. Maybe it'll come out better.

For most of my life until recently, at 16, I'd been depressed. I actually can't remember being depressed before 6th grade, but my mom recalls 9-year-old me saying something along the lines of, "If I got in a car accident and died, I wouldn't care!" Throughout middle school and the first half of high school, I was plagued with thoughts like, "Why the hell am I even here?" "Do I even have a purpose?" "Why does bad stuff always have to happen?" "Why is everybody so cruel, especially to me?"

Explaining how I so drastically changed from being miserable to absolutely loving life is difficult, and actually doing so is probably, for somebody trying to achieve happiness, even harder. It just sorta happened for me; I'm not sure how common it is to get over depression the way I did, but it probably takes a lot longer, considering I'm only 16 and many people suffer for much longer. Although my mindset at the time was awful and pessimistic and self-hating, it was driven to be happy. I WILLED myself to be as happy as I am today, I was determined. In 8th grade, it was the worst: I'd been dumped twice by two beloved boyfriends...the second one was very cruel about it. I felt ugly. I felt like a beyotch. I didn't like the person I was. My political views were radical and I hated the world. I was misanthropic. I was a drama queen, so the typical problems that kids that age faced were magnified.

But I didn't want to be that way. I began telling myself what then felt like lies...I began "brainwashing" myself to believe that my chubbiness was actually quite cute, that I was a good person and that as long as my motives for the world were good, that I was a good person. I didn't believe myself at first, of course. It was all bullcrap, in my angsty head.

I was on anti-depressants for a while, but I stopped taking them sometime in 10th grade because they weren't really working - I was still depressed, and the side effects were awful...when I was on Zoloft, I would feel nauseous for hours after taking it. My logic for deciding not to take them was, "Meds aren't going to help my condition. I'm depressed because I let bad things happen to me, and when they do happen to me, I sulk. I let bad things people say about me get to me. It's my fault this way and drugs aren't going to change my perception, mindset, and attitude." Of course, I thought this with a bad attitude, pessimistically, like I was incurable, but after actually changing myself so drastically I can say that it was terrific rationale.

I was really into spirituality and began experimenting with Buddhism when I was 15, which probably helped (though ironically, I no longer give a crap about any of that spiritual and religious stuff). I also stopped hanging out with the morbid, depressing, suicidal gothy types and instead became friends with the clowns, the carefree nerds who were misunderstood but happy, weird yet well known and liked.

The key is to be nice to yourself. Use the "brainwashing" method that I did. Tell yourself that you're pretty, that your eyes are shiny and your smile is dazzling and your body is beautiful and you'll eventually begin to believe yourself. Be glad to be you. Hang out with nice people. Don't take life too seriously. Learn to take a joke. Live in the present. Listen to uplifting music (80's music is pretty good, lololol). If you are somewhat religious, become more in touch with your spirituality. Don't hold grudges. Accept people as they are, which will help you accept yourself. Hating is something that unhappy people do. Accept that bad things happen: you will get dumped, but it was never meant to be in the first place and there is someone better for you; somebody died, but your memory of them is happy and you're glad they were in your life. Be optimistic. Be hopeful. Don't be too hard on yourself when you get a bad grade. Live not by "nobody is perfect," but that "everybody is perfect." Don't dwell on your mistakes, but learn from them. Cry when you want to cry. Write about your feelings. Stand up for somebody. Stand up for yourself. You probably don't know what you want in life, but as time goes by you'll get an idea and things will just progress from there. If somebody disses you for your beliefs, don't let it get to you: you know that you have good motives. Don't hate humanity - the media loves to glorify the bad things, but when you get to know people one-on-one, no matter their beliefs, most of them are decent human beings with their own feelings and perspectives.

Also, don't accept the criticism from people who don't even know you. If you feel it's true, the bad things that they're saying, then accept that part of you, or make it work for you if you can. Friends are the only people who can say anything about you...but first you'll need to identify your true friends. Who do you act yourself around? Who knows you best? If they criticize you for something, don't feel awful about it: they're still your friend, right? They still love you, so you should still love yourself.

I know from experience that suicide is a permanent solution to temporary and totally fixable problems. If I had killed myself, I wouldn't have been able to feel as happy as I do today. Live with the belief that happiness is meant for you. Things will work out.

Coincidentally, "Human" by Human League is on the radio right now...listen to it, it's awesome.

P.S. I had indeed typed all of that and more previously, and hit the wrong key and got all of it deleted, which upset me to no end. Ha, I nearly cried - I hate when that happens SO MUCH! But I was determined to help this girl, so I did it again, though I think the first attempt was better. She probably won't even read all of it, but whatever, cuz it sure as hell did wonders for me.