Molester

I just had a crazy dream and I can't let myself forget it.

Anyway, in this dream, I was still friends with Vivian, and Selena and I were spending the night at her house. At Vivian's house, we were, I don't know, watching a movie when I fell asleep and had a dream within a dream. In this dream, I was riding a bus which was moving down the dark road at a snail's pace past a hospital. Some of the blinds in the hospital windows were pulled up, so I could see into the rooms where sick, elderly people lay. All of a sudden, I was in one of these rooms. It was dimly light, and the hospital bed obstructed my view of the patient, but I knew she was a very old woman. Her son, who sat beside her, said, "She's gone..." A nurse walked in pushing a very fancy-looking armchair on wheels and squeezed it next to the bed, to move the body there (I suppose that's what you were supposed to do with the dead - put them in fancy movable chairs). All of a sudden, I became terrified of death and ran out of the room into the dark hospital hallway before I could see the woman's empty face. The hallway looked like that of a fancy hotel.

It seemed like the walls were closing in on me. I saw things in night vision and I felt the death behind every single door, and it was going to get me, and it had hands and feet and was chasing me. So I ran down the hallway, and down a staircase. I was back in Vivian's house, but I was still dreaming, and I knew it because Vivian's house wasn't so gigantic and didn't have staircase after staircase, and it wasn't that dark, and this looked like a millionaire's mansion, or maybe a palace because of the extremely regal furniture that lie around, unused. The thing continued to chase me and I made it for the front door and pulled it open so I could run quickly and lose it. But damn it, it was raining! Even still, the sun was just beginning to rise and its morning rays fell upon the lawns and trees and wet pavement.

By now, I was like, "Okay, that was a dream, and nothing is chasing me, and I'm back at Vivian's house, and I'm awake now. But obviously I was sleep walking because I'm outside." Despite this, I continued to sprint down the street in the light downpour. I ran, figuring I'd just tell Vivian when she woke up to find me missing that I went for a morning job, and eventually found myself outside my old elementary school, Thornton.

For some reason, time had gone backwards, and it was around 6 in the morning - rather than 7, and I knew this because it had gotten dark again. People were outside of Thornton, sitting around in the grass and parking lot; little children, people my age, adults. It was "buddy day", or something, and I sat down next to a fifth grader (who looked more like she was 14). But I felt young. I didn't look 16, I looked 11, but I wasn't. I wanted this girl to know, as she smiled at me and introduced herself, that I had experienced things since I left Thornton and I was older and I should really be listened to. One of the Thornton coaches, Coach Cowin (right? That was the tall skinny lady?), told us to walk around the school and explore. The girl and I went left in the direction of the playground. It was becoming light again, and as we strolled I told her, "I didn't come here in kindergarten, instead I went to this crappy school called Bear Creek." I thought for a moment. "Well, it wasn't crappy, but whatever..."

All of a sudden, I was back on Vivian's street, just as I had already been, with drizzle falling from the sky and the morning sun rising over the trees. Except now, Selena was running after me with her suitcase (she could have just taken a bag, but this is a dream and things like this cannot be explained). "Wait!" she cried. "I'm coming too."

"Why'd you bring your stuff?" I asked, slightly annoyed. "I'm just going for a morning jog."

"I brought it, just in case my mom shows up before we get back and I'll be ready." Which makes no sense, but in the dream it did.

We were at Thornton again, and we sat in these very tight bleacher things...except they were bars too...it's difficult to explain, because such does not exist in reality. Basically, the were bleachers that were crammed against a fence, except instead of benches, you sat on bars. Selena sat on the bar above me, leg dangling, and we laughed and remembered our days at Thornton together. Everything was great, and I was eight years old again. Selena nudged me and pointed below her, where one of my old friends Jorge was talking to some girls (one of them, I saw, was Nicole's little sister Mariana). "Oh cool. Jorge!" I said. He ignored me pointedly, and I felt dissed - maybe I was eight again, but he was still the age he is now. I said his name again, and he looked at me: "Yeah?" "Do you remember me, Jorge?" "Yes, I do." Then he turned and talked to the girls again. Selena and I looked at each other.

Suddenly, still at Thornton, we were in a bathroom stall together, and Mariana was with us. We were just there to hang out, which again, makes no sense, but in dream world it did. I still felt eight years old and my perception of reality was innocent and carefree like that of a child's. I was at Thornton. I could be one again. I could just throw experience and rationale out the window.

But apparently, there are consequences for being young, because all of a sudden a fat man was in the restroom with us, and he shoved his fist in an arm hole in the door of the stall (no sense!) and began trying to grab Selena and I. His hand brushed my jeans right at the zipper and then I knew what he was trying to do: stick his hands down our pants. Selena and I swatted him away and bolted the door shut so he couldn't open it and moved away from it so he couldn't reach us, cramming ourselves. In reality, we could have just opened the door, kicked his ass, and walked away, but in this dream, he had us trapped and were being held hostage by a pedophile. I didn't know I could do anything about it because I was a kid again. As the guy entered other stalls and molested young girls, Selena and I tried to come up with a way to get out of there. Every now and then his body would be pressed up against our door, threatening. I dug my hand in my pocket and pulled out a red ballpoint pen and tried to force myself to think 16 again, so I could know what to do with it.

"Okay," I whispered to Selena, "Next time his body is pressed against the door, I'm going to stab him with this pen, and we're going to get out of here and he won't be able to touch us." Five seconds later, his body was pressed against it again, and my grip on the pen tightened as I prepared to thrust it through the hole and into his fatty and jiggly epidermis. But then he was gone, and I had x-ray vision and saw Vivian standing behind the door, her eyes flashing. She opened it and motioned for us to come out. "Hurry, he's doing something else, but I'm going to get you out of here." We sneaked out of the bathroom, and as I stepped outside, the sun was high in the sky and I closed my eyes to protect then against its light.

I opened them and I was in my bedroom. And then I went to the kitchen to see if there were any diet Pepsi, which there wasn't, and came back, and here I am, and I'm still kinda in that dreamy state.

But yeah, I had to share it because it was epic.

Sensation or Fail?

This is the book I stayed up for hours last night reading. What Lesley did was take a bunch of diary entries from ages 11 through 25 and updated them. She goes through all these crazy phases and gets on all these drugs, and it ends after she goes to rehab and stays off heroin forever. Maybe my life isn't as dramatic as hers was...but then again, my life has been pretty chaotic. And what do you expect, I'm a teenager! So this morning, I pulled out all my journals and started reading and tabbing entries I though I could possibly one day comment upon and then publish.

But then I had a better idea: instead of making it a book, I can create a blog for it! Every day, I will take a journal entry, write my own "update" (in chronological order of course) and post it. I realise how risky it is and people might get offended if they see their names there. If the person isn't directly relevant but I still bash them, I'll probably change their name. It will also be extremely embarrassing, but I know how to laugh at myself. Well sometimes. But this would be a true test to see how much I don't care what people think. =D

Also, it could help its readers. Maybe a girl will be skimming along, and then thinks, "OMG I'm facing this same problem right now!" And then she'll see how terribly I handled the situation and it'll be a learning experience for her without having to mess up her life. The demographic I'd be aiming for are, of course, the kids of my own age group, or maybe people who just love making fun of other people.

Maybe it's a terrible idea, but I will try it anyway and ask my friends what they think about it, whether or not they would follow it, etc. I mean, even when I just started writing in journals, I fantasised about one day publishing them and people reading them and learning from them and laughing at them and bonding with me despite having never met me. I wanted everything to be in the open one day, like Mia's diary in "Princess Diaries". But see, thing is, she's fictional. I was edgy because I'm not fictional (I don't think) and hadn't really read non-fictional journals, except maybe The Diary of Anne Frank, and more recently, Go Ask Alice (like, it's an old book, but I just read it), except that one is anonymous, and BOTH she and Anne Frank ended up dead and their journals were published by other people. But then I read "Dear Diary", and Lesley Arfin did exactly what I wanted to do. I'm going to do it!

I'm really excited about this, but I'm also pretty scared. Heh. What if I get shot? Oh boy. Whatever though. Life is about taking risks and this is one that I totally just have to take.

The Failure.

Guess what I'M not doing? My homework! What else is new? The thing is, I promised myself AND everyone else that this year, I truly was going to try, and I was going to make honour roll (for once), and I was going to raise my joke of a GPA, and blah blah blah. But I HAVE tried. I have stayed up till midnight pretty much the day school started doing homework, and I still manage to fall completely behind. And I know I'm doing SOMETHING wrong, because others don't seem to have a problem (or if they do have a problem, it isn't much worse than last year or the year before that and that for them).

Tonight, I planned to stay up until as late as it took to do my homework. I even made myself a schedule. I'd start at 7:00 after a nap, do Spanish which would take thirty minutes (wrong - I skipped the nap, started the Spanish at around 6:00 and didn't finish until 8:00, so even though I started earlier, I already fell behind schedule...and I didn't even FINISH! I just gave up because it was so ridiculous), some algebra for 30 more minutes (but however long I stare at the worksheet and try to understand it, I just can't for the life of me...and I tried to get help from my book, my mom, my neighbor, my computer, to no success), my history notes for an hour (but I'm just so exhausted that I couldn't focus after 10 minutes), and my epistemology essay for English for two more hours (except the topic is something totally optimistic, and it talks about self-improvement shit which I don't even really care about anymore, when right now I hate myself and my life and everything. So I'm just going to take Jehn's advice and BS it, since it's only the first draft, and it's already fucking long as hell anyway).

But I've given up. I'm just too tired. My eyes have been aching mercilessly for days because of exhaustion and allergies, and I can't stay awake for much longer, and the only thing I have any motivation to do is complain about how sucky everything is. That's all I ever do. No matter how good my life is.

Whatever, though. Just because a life is good on the surface doesn't mean the mind is. Sure, I was okay for a while, a few months, but now school has started, and I've once again realised that my ENTIRE LIFE depends on school, and it's all gone to waste, which makes me a failure at life, and all my determination to prove myself wrong when I tell myself I'm a lazy assfuck has gone to waste, because I AM a lazy assfuck. I'm a fat, useless, lazy assfuck and guess what? I don't give a shit. I don't care how lame a human that makes me. I don't CARE. It's MY life and if I want to waste it away hiding from responsibility, that's my personal business. Plus, I'm doing what I want LEAST and sticking my nose back into politics. I don't know why. But that's another reason why life is once again in the gutter. I don't WANT to be a liberal. I don't WANT to support Obama OR McCain. I don't WANT to give a shit about the economy or where America is going or anything. I don't want to be involved with ANY of it. Politics in general are evil, and they make me depressed as hell and I want nothing to do with them. Except I a natural cynic, and politics is a fucking haven for cynics, and so of course I'm getting all up in it, especially with election day coming so soon.

Just screw everything. Screw school. Screw work. Screw my poor health. Screw all the people who take advantange of my extreme pushoverness and walk all over me. Screw not getting enough sleep. Screw the people who doubt me (even though they have every right to, given my reputation of failage). Screw boyfriends who don't seem to want to have any sort of serious conversation with me. SCREW IT.

I AM A LAZY, WHINY, PESSIMISTIC, FAILING, CYNICAL, ALLERGIC, ANXIOUS, DEPRESSED, UGLY, BITCHY LOSER.

Don't bother telling me so, because I already know.

Let me be.

Summer Playlist 2008

These are the songs that, whenever I hear them, I will forever be reminded of summer 2008. As you can see, most of them are from the 80's, because I discovered what real music is.


- "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham! While other songs are usually mere infatuations, this one is a soul mate. Even if I'm in the direst of moods, hearing George Michael's merry wishes to "hit that high" will cheer me right the fuck up. On Myspace, it is my profile song. It's melody is a perfect reflection of my personality. My favorite thing about this song is when it comes on the radio, catching me by surprise.

-"Always Something There to Remind Me" by Naked Eyes. Because my mind works in very strange ways, this song reminds me of a particular intersection near my house...it's on Bandera and that one street you'd take a left on if you want to go to Burger King or Sonic. That's because this song was on one time when I was at that intersection (while my mom was driving, not I). It also reminds me of those old JCPenney's commercials because they had a remake for it that went "always something there to excite me". Haha. "Excite." (Pardon my immaturity.)

-"Eye In The Sky" by Alan Parsons Project. I don't know quite why, but when I hear this song, I want to watch that Alvin and the Chipmunks movie, "The Chipmunk Adventure." In it, the Chipmunks and the Chipettes race around the world for diamond-filled dolls that are replicas of themselves. I don't know quite why this song reminds me of that movie but it does.

-"Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2. Reminds me of driving down USAA Boulevarde after work.

-"Can't Fight This Feeling" by REO Speedwagon. I like singing this song for some reason. And I love it. Not anywhere near as much as "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" or "Always Something There to Remind Me", but it's just...a great song.

-"Hakuna Matata" from The Lion King. My favorite Disney song of all time. During my Michigan vacation, I became obsessed with it, and it reminds me of crossing Lake Whatever from Mackinaw to Mackinac Island on a cloudy and drizzly day. The best part of the songs that makes me very happy is the part when Simba, Timon, and Pumba are crossing that log as Simba matures. It's awesome music. That whole SOUNDTRACK is awesome, but this is the best. Most reflective of my personality.

-"More Than That" by Backstreet Boys. My cousin Erin and I were sitting in the backseat of our rented SUV listening and singing aloud to 90's songs on her iPod, and this one came on. I got excited because the Backstreet Boys are awesome, and she enthusiastically agreed, "I know!" I was also paying attention to the scenery, and Michigan is so beautiful. I have decided to live there when I can buy my own house.

-"Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye. This song will remind me of this summer in the future, but whenever I heard it while the summer was still in progress, it reminded me of sitting in the shaded parking lot of my therapist thing in 8th grade, waiting for my scheduled appointment during which I'd BS all this stuff about how great I'm doing so I wouldn't have to go anymore. It was in a little business center for social workers and lawyers, and songs like this remind me of business centers for some reason. Also, the word "healing" seems to match with my emotional healing. Not sexual, but whatever. Actually...a lot of my reasons for being at that counselor were sex-based. To heal me of "bad experiences", even though they didn't really have anything to do with my depression.

-"Buffalo Stance" by Neneh Cherry. Heh, this song is weird. But it's funny. And it reminds me of...just sitting on my ass at the computer.

-"Invisible Touch" by Genesis. Another sitting on my ass song. But it also reminds me of Tarzan because Phil Collins is singing it.

-"How To Save A Life" by The Fray. I don't like this song that much...well, it's okay. But almost every single time I drove to work, this song would come on Magic 105.3, so it reminds me of, well, going to work (actually, this is another intersection one...it reminds of the intersection at Huebner and Babcock). I don't like the beginning because his voice is annoyingly whiny, and I don't like the drum piece at the end. But besides that, the song is okay.

-"Hey There, Delilah" by The White Stripes. (Reminds me of driving down the hill on Eckert). Although I don't much like his voice because it's kinda scratchy and whiny, I love the lyrics. If someone wrote a song like that for me, I would probably fall over and die because I wouldn't know what to do with all that happiness.

That's all. There are other songs that remind me of this summer, but those are the most important ones.